Just said goodbye to S20, was really nice to spend time with him before I go. I managed not to ask about H and just smiled and changed subject when he mentioned him - just as part of a conversation, which is really silly as h is a part of his life, of course he is going to come up in a sentence occasionally. Just felt really emotional every time I heard what they have been doing together.
At the airport I spoke to him about Christmas Day arrangements for a skype call - S17 and I have arranged to talk on Christmas Day, which would mean - due to time difference - his christmas day night and my christmas day morning. So I asked S20 if he would still be with his D then. He replied - we can't do the evening as d is taking us all to a party starting at 2pm.
So I said "oh, ok, thats a shame, does s17 know this?"
S20 replied " I don't think d has told him yet. Plus me and g/f don't know if we are going, and if S17 doesn't want to go he can come and stay with me"
me - " Why wouldn't he want to go?"
S20 just looked at me .....then the penny dropped. OW and kids will also be going, one big Happy Family Christmas.
They will go, they won't like to say no and risk upsetting their dad.
So I sucked up emotions and feelings about it all, kept it inside until I waved S20 off on his plane, then burst into tears in the car on the way home.
I am so so sad, this is not how I saw my life going, my family being pulled apart. I have my family traditions, the little things we did every year, and this year MY boys will be spending Christmas Day with HER and her kids. One Big Happy Family UGH I actually feel sick at the thought of it. Guess what's going to be in my head all Christmas day.
To top it off S17 is going through a bad time - a combo of teens, all the changes in his life and me leaving I think - he is so moody, disrespectful and arrogant one minute and then all mushy and wants to hang out with me the next.
I went away for a few days last week to say goodbye to some g/friends and when I returned my house was a pig sty ...and smelt like one too - S had had a party which seemed to have run for 3 days ...they used everything in the kitchen and left it unwashed, piled up; the lounge was full of makeshift beds, the toilet was blocked up and S had been sleeping in my bed (if you smelt him you would know why I am so peeved at that). And to top it off, they have lost the keys to his mates car in my garden so I now have an abandoned car in my driveway and a week until I have to hand the house back to the rental agency.
He has never done anything like this before. He has had parties, but always cleared up before I got home. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked off when I told him to clear up - I did leave it for him and he eventually did clear up, but I had to sort the toilet out - lovely !!
I am trying so hard to remain calm with him but he is starting to really push my buttons - He took himself off for the whole time his brother was here as he "hates" him and I should know that by now ??!! Came in with a hangover this morning, threw the car keys at me, said he was going to bed and calling in sick for work - then when I came back from the airport he had gone - he just called to say he will be back tonight. ..... Leaving him too it, picking my battles and clearly this is not one of them.
Breathe. Feel better now for getting it out. I can see my journal entries for today will be turning into an epic saga of "woe is me" lol. I already preempted feeling like this so did not book anything in for the next 2 days so I can wallow and let it pass.
I hate this, I hate what he is doing to me, to my boys, to our family. I hope its all worth it for him, otherwise its just destruction of lives and a marriage for absolutely nothing.
