Really too late....

[lost18]

Thanks Mahhhty, this is is a difficult situation we are in. I haven't read you're story so I'll have to take the time to do that. I always appreciate when people take the time to give me some encouragement.

I have decided that right now I need to focus on keeping my emotions in check. Not quite sure why such a struggle the past couple of weeks. I wasn't feeling great this week either which didn't help. I also feel like maybe he has pulled back some and since I am obviously not detached I have become more emotional. I am definitely getting upset about things that aren't in my control.

I was talking with my sister today about dating and such (not even close to ready) but just the dating dynamic seems so off kilter. Maybe I'm being cynical or stereotypical but it seems like men always want the young(er), hot bodied woman (even though they are not young or hot bodied). I feel like there isn't much out there for me, the men I find attractive that are age appropriate (I feel) aren't going to find me attractive. It just makes me sad that I may be out there again some day.

I was reading a post that somebody wrote about there WAH being the best choice out there in the dating world, I feel similar. Pretty sad I feel that way since he is treating me like chit. Take away the big stuff, lying and cheating, even the little stuff.. I deserve more. Yesterday he came home with lunch for himself, do you think he even thought about getting something for me? I asked him what he got me (knowing full well it was nothing), when he said "nothing" I laughed and said I know, I was kidding. Granted considering our situation that doesn't seem like a big deal, but he's always been like that. I've been asking myself this question a lot lately, but is this really what I want the rest of my life?

Enough pity party for now. I started pulling way back again, just have to make it stick this time. Spending time in my room reading when he's home, not asking him if he needs anything. Yesterday he came home from physical therapy and was making phone calls, didn't ask what was going on or how he feld. He did tell me this morning that he was able to pick an orthopedic surgeon. Went to the grocery store didn't ask if he wanted anything, stayed out of the garage when he was out there tonight (very hard, I have a tendency to want to check what he's doing).

Big one for me, he left his laptop logged on when he left the house today, I went out there looked at it and made the decision not to snoop. This was the only opportunity I've had and I didn't do it! YAY ME!