Is it okay if I shortened your name to just "Dane" for simplicity's sake?
I wanted to circle back here to address some of your other comments.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
On another related note with regards to communicating, 180s, and LRT. One of H's biggest issues with me through the past 4+ years has been that I haven't been good about communicating with him. That I withdrew from him, didn't let him 'in'. My lack of opening up to him and eventual lack of sexual attraction (due to diminished emotional connection) is what hurt him the most. Though he has still not admitted it, I know that is why he is involved with OW in EA (or PA by now). She pursued him (from what friends have pointed out to me she's done this before) and is giving him what he was lacking from me.
Maybe. Maybe not. You just don't know H's reasons. It is good to have some reflection on why your M broke down and own your part in the breakdown.
Can you please elaborate a bit on the reasons for your withdrawal from H? What transpired beforehand? What events/situations occurred prior to you shutting down? Moving? Grad school? Details please.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
So if I am in LRT due to pending divorce, do I not attempt to work on that particular 180... my opening up and communicating freely with him? For me to detach, I find myself not wanting to communicate or be around him.
LRT is one of the most misunderstood concepts in DBing. Put simply. It is used when EVERY OTHER method has been tried and all of them has failed. Then...THEN, only when the LBS is truly, totally, and sincerely prepared to walk away from the M and being totally okay with whatever outcome, one uses the LRT. The LRT is total and complete darkness along with dropping the rope completely.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
Also, me working on my GAL and detachment has meant lately that I am unavailable a lot of the time when he wants to discuss divorce stuff or visit the dog. The fact that I am busy and not available then leads to him accusing me of still controlling the timing of all our interactions even though I tell him I have plans. So I feel like no matter what I do, it doesn't matter where he is concerned. Like he is too far gone to R with me.... very discouraging ....
There is an easy fix for this. Tell H that you do have plans, would love for him to visit the dog, and offer one or two alternative dates/times that you ARE available for the dog visit (insert activity) so that he sees that you are not 'avoiding' him at all costs.
