Mozza (5)

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot, Wonka. I was really looking forward to your ideas. This is a new perspective, as so far I've tried to stay as a positive presence in my W's life. I see where you're coming from and I'll think more about it. I'll get back to you with some questions, if you don't mind.

In the meantime, I'd like to answer to your question about whether my W knows that I don't want an S. It's somewhat complicated and I don't know if she knows anymore.

I have told my W at the end of the BD talks that I didn't want to separate, but I couldn't keep her from leaving. That evening, I was collected and not crying for the first time in a week. At the end of the conversation, I told her that even if I looked different, I felt the same on the inside. She thanked me for telling her because she wasn't sure. One week of bawling and pleading and she doubted the whole thing after a mere 90 minutes of calm. Where does she stand after 2.5 months of not pursuing?

The day she was leaving, I hugged her, crying my heart out and telling her "my love, my love..." repeatedly. She was totally unfazed, waiting for the show to be over. In tears, I asked her if "all options were open" and she replied "Yes, but we shouldn't base our lives on this." This is the last time and way I clearly told her I didn't want to separate.

We had lunch 10 days after she left (Sept 30). She was a mess and wanted to talk about our emotions in the S -- she said she was sad, insomniac. I was guarded, afraid of R talks. I told her we needed to live through this and see if we'd meet on the other side. She agreed. She had also told me at that lunch that she was only looking ahead.

In early November, she called me because I was not responsive enough and she did a temperature check, asking me how I was taking the whole thing. I told her it had been a difficult time, but that I had realized I needed to pick myself up. I had no choice but to move on since she had made the decision. She left a silence afterwards. I didn't ask her the question because I didn't want to do a temperature check. The following day, she sent me an email announcing OM and asked me to do the same if I met someone.

In late November, my best friend (whom she really likes and misses) wrote her a birthday email and she replied saying "Just like I told Mozza, I need to go forward, otherwise... Well, just like him, you know." I don't know what to make of this "otherwise" or the suggestion that I refuse to look back. Does she think I'm happily moving ahead?

All through this, she's planning Christmas next year, telling me that she'll move away from my country in a few years, that we have 15 years of co-parenting left before the kids are grown up, etc. Everything she does and says suggests our M is over for her, except that she (and I) never talk about D. She was reluctant to talk about D during the BD talks, as if this was some bothersome paperwork. There's a year of delay after the physical separation where we are anyway.

In our R, my W felt I had abandoned her emotionally, that I was withdrawn. I now realize we just spoke different LLs. She told me during the BD talks that "she didn't know I loved her this much". It's possible that she thinks I was done with her and that she's done us both a favor by leaving. As per BD, when I meet her, I'm upbeat. I've been afraid of telling her anything suggesting I miss her for fear of pursuing and pushing her away.

My W is very afraid of rejection. I don't know if she'd have it in her to come back, not knowing I want her back.

One last thing: in 2009, when she wanted to leave me because she thought I'd never forgive her short A, I pleased and cried and it worked. She said she realized how much I loved her (among other factors) and it made her rethink her decision. I haven't played that card since BD, especially since she's been so detached from me and getting involved deeply with OM. She seemed to be in a different place, completely detached from me.

Hm, this was longer than I expected... This question is very much on my mind as you can tell.