Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[TLEE86]

Hi Calibri, finally got the time to read your whole thread and wow…i feel like you're the female version of me…down to cross fit #TeamFroning

Of the many similarities that you write about, the one i wanted to mention was about how you feel like you always have to be in control.

I'm the exact same way and couldn't help but laugh when you said even grief counseling pissed you off because you couldn't control how you were navigating the steps of grief. I said the same thing to my IC and DB coach. What I've learned is…there is nothing on earth that is more humbling, that can literally bring me down to my knees, hell, not even that, half the time i end up sprawled out on the floor, than the thought of not being married to my W anymore. But like you wrote in my thread, there is NOTHING we can do to save our H/W even though we just want to jump in there and be like "ok do it THIS WAY and it will be FIXED." For me, this is the ultimate test of giving up that control that I was so used to having, both at work and in my M. Whenever I get the urge to "fix" my W again, I just tell myself that THAT is what brought my M here, to an extent. This whole experience has shown me that I can't control everything, not everything will go according to my plan. My W is coming up with her own plan, and the more that I try to control it and "make it my own," the worse it gets. 180 for me is…try not to care what she is doing and not make up a plan for her because I have tried to "take care of her" our whole M, and she needs to figure it out on her own. I am sure you already realized this yourself for you and your H…the more you try and pick him up and help him, he will never get that dose of reality he needs.

As for the tree, I'm sure many of us are in that same boat. You do have control over that. Maybe put it up, take a picture, send it to H. Show him what he is missing.