Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

My fears that Mr. Gritty would "flip" into an anti-Nitty posture seemed to be validated on Thanksgiving Day.

He's been acting more like he did when he courted me. No love letters, but he brings me flowers. For the holiday we were going to have the entire family over for Thanksgiving at our bungalow. (If you'd told me at any time during this year that I'd be doing this with H, I would've been so incredulous but extremely relieved. That's how I felt on Thanksgiving Day: relieved.)

Mr. Gritty Fulfills Nitty's Negative Expectations (which is why she shouldn't have expectations)

As the day wore on, though, Mr. Gritty began to be irritable with me. At first, I figured he was just tired. At one point he snapped at me when I tried to help him clean up, told me that I just couldn't help myself being so damn annoying. I stayed out of his way after that, acting like everything was okay until our guests left.

As we waved the last guest off, I rested my hand on his shoulder and Mr. Gritty flinched my hand off. I asked, "What is it? What is wrong?"

"I don't know! It's all me. It's not you. I need to work it out."

EXACTLY what he would tell me last fall, just before the BD, when he would get snippy with me. The statement, "It's all me, it's not you" was like a mantra for him, and now I was hearing it again.

I would've gone home except it was so very late. As I hesitated he seemed to soften a bit, so I got ready for bed. Then when we climbed in to bed he rolled as far over on his side as he could, like he was determined not to touch me. I reached over once to touch his back and he flinched again, like my touch was disgusting.

It was a terrible night. I resolutely told myself over and over again: It's over. He's turned again. I will be okay. If he tells me he wants me out of the bungalow I will go. If he restarts the D, I will accept it. I will not be decimated like I was when he left me the first time. I am stronger now. But what set him off? Did he get a text message from OW?

Etc. Like I said, it was an awful night. At dawn I said, "Are you mad at me for something I've done?"

Nitty Gets Dumped Into the Twilight Zone

He blew up! To summarize: he saw a text on my phone early the day before, from an old friend of ours, and then he saw me read my texts and laugh, and he believed I was having a PA with that old friend.

I couldn't believe it, it was as if I was living last fall all over again, when he accused me of lying to him, of having a PA with some unknown man and other crazy stuff, all because he was having a PA himself and had to justify to himself what he was doing by making me out to be an awful wife.

He was so very cold in his anger. "Tell me the truth about what you are doing with _____!"

I told him I didn't owe him any explanations, but I would tell him anyway: I'd sent "Happy Thanksgiving" to our friends that morning, and he was one of the many who responded. I actually had over a dozen responses by text. I was only laughing because my co-worker responded with a funny comic.

"I don't believe you. You KNOW that ______ has been after you for years! You even agreed with me about it."

"I never did any such thing! You're making that up!"

"Yes, you did, and you're talking to him now, you're encouraging him!"

We went back and forth, him repeating his accusations and me repeating my protests. Finally I realized I was flooding and defensive. I asked for a timeout. He argued a bit before remembering our agreement with the MC and walked out. I thought, "Is this what my life will be like? Will his guilt cause him to attack me like this at random?"

Major rollercoastering going on

Ten minutes later he came back and just stood there. Then Mr. Gritty started talking as if he was talking to himself. It was very strange.

"Okay, so I left you. You started making relationships with others that didn't include me. Which was your right. Because I left you." "That is correct," I said. "I was alone and I began to create relationships that don't involve you. I began a life without you."

"And I have no right to ask you about those relationships." "That's right," I said, totally amazed. "You have no right. I living my life with out you because you wanted it that way."

"And if I had just asked you about the text I saw on your phone instead of stewing about it all day then we wouldn't have had such an awful night." "That's right," I said, "because I have always made it clear I am not interested in any relationship but this one."

"You have made it clear, but I forgot that. And because I forgot that, we had a terrible night. I am very sorry. I acted so stupid."

I was shocked. In all our years together we have never ended an argument this way. Usually he yelled and went off to work or to bed and then acted like nothing ever happened. But now it was as if he was possessed by a space alien again--only this time it was a perfectly reasonable and gentlemanly space alien.

After that, he made extra efforts to be nice to me. We had a nice weekend together. He came to our house and spent the night there for the first time in almost a year. Part of the time I was apprehensive, waiting for another series of accusations set off by who knows what.

But the rest of the time I was more hopeful than I've been since he first asked for a reconciliation, because he actually worked out his anger! If he continued to work on himself like this, we would definitely have a better relationship than we had before!

So, to sum up, here is the good:

• He's talking about taking a vacation together
• He cares about our dog again.
• We are having fun dates together where we do some of my GAL activities.

And here is the not-so-good:

• We are not living together (he doesn't want to come home yet)
• Our money is still separated (although he's announced it's okay to spend joint funds on dates)
• I am still not invited back to certain places I used to spend all the time (like the private gym where he has a membership)
• And mostly, I drive to the bungalow. If I tell him I have a prior engagement and can't come over when he calls me, he acts pouty.