Wow . I did not DB very well and its crystal clear he is done. Hoo boy. Among several cringe-worthy moments:
1) I brought up the fact that it is, in fact, difficult for me to totally trust him at his word now, which is why I have been pushing for more precise language in our agreement document.
2) I brought up whether it was appropriate to spend money on extra-marital activities. "Would you be ok if I spent joint money on an expensive gift for my boyfriend?" He said, "Sure, that's fine. I know you aren't the type of person to go crazy with spending. I trust you."
3) after we left, he stopped me to say he's really sorry that I feel like I can't trust him. I said I've acted in ways this past year that show, in fact, that I do. He said, I get what you are saying (about him breaking his vows), but in his mind it's different. I said, I'm sure you see it differently. Then we sort of got into a R convo which was basically me telling him (calmly, at least) that while I can understand that his feelings change, it's hard to understand his choice to abandon our marriage without getting any real help. His position is that he did try, for a long time, and he was just hopeless. Of course i went back about how we didn't get real, skilled help, and that things might have been different if we had.
I went into how i believe that love is a choice and that relationships can be rebuilt and that I acknowledge he feels differently. And that it was a surprise when he sat me down one day and announced he was leaving-- that I would never have expected that.
We were standing on a street corner in the rain and he had to go get our D. Perfect time for that kind of conversation!
Omg. I can't believe that I lost my control like that. And now I'm sitting in Starbucks crying.
So that's that. I think I need to move to another board. My thread doesn't get that much traffic anyway and I think this is a place for people who still have some sense that it may work out. Mine won't. He's totally calm, he says he's committed to us having a positive relationship. But he is done being married to me.
