Yes, I am still DBIng, big time. I'm just seeing things more clearly and that means I'm seeing things in our marriage that I had previously either not noticed, or they weren't as pronounced, or I just got complacent.
I have been really down on H in recent weeks, I think in my efforts to detach I went a bit far in the other direction.
But I am very frustrated with him at the moment. I'm sure this is because as he does take a few tentative steps out the tunnel (and, kml, I think this has been what's happening) I get my goshed darned EXPECTATIONS up and then I get more annoyed with him.
True, his behavior has improved immensely since I started DBing. I saw some nice glimpses of the old, best H... and now he's gone.
So--yes, with that "party under the bus" comment, I was giving him a little poke. On the heels of him pointedly ignoring me and being snippy with me prior.
Not an excuse, I know, but sometimes it's just SO HARD to bite my tongue while watching him be so self-centered.
And no, I don't think he's an "Energy Vampire". I read about that. If anything, he's massively Codependent and really can't handle the strong emotional fallout from his affair and subsequent nastiness.
For the most part, I am DBIng to a T. I think the holidays and his jumping back onto the roller coaster is just irritating to me at this point.
I *knew* that he would, and I *thought* I was prepared, but looking back I can say that the real truth was, I was hoping that he was coming around.
That's an expectation---and he didn't meet it. He actually went the other way. So thanks for reminding me by pointing that out. That is the source of my frustration.
I think the other part is me building up a righteous head of steam to handle my emotions if he does push this divorce through.
I want to feel like that's a good thing. Some parts of it are good. One issue is that I have such great times with my friends and I am enjoying my life, then I have to communicate with this person--previously my best friend and life partner, someone I trusted implicitly--who actually treats me as if I have nothing valid to say, and he just wants to get away from me.
Most of the time, he treats me like I have Ebola, while it seems others really enjoy my company. I'm the same person in both instances. *sigh*
But the fat lady hasn't sung---yet.
I'm not giving up. I have a tremendous amount to lose if there is a possibility that he will indeed wake up and smell the cappuccino.
I know in MLC that towards the end, they do go in and out and revisit a lot of the stages.
Funny, I was just thinking about that last night. That I felt as though I was talking to a little boy who was angry because I told him he made a mistake.
There is this really childish quality in him the last week or so.
kml, I see a lot of this character-shifting in him recently.
Whereas before I say steady progress towards me, now he's saying weird things, getting closer, then retreating, then reverting to a sullen 15 year old, then being Mr. Old and Grumpy, then he's like a 5 year old. (Which is interesting because he was traumatized up through age five, then a few more major traumas later on, which he never dealt with.)
I know I just need to sit tight and take my own advice: STFU and CTHD.
Good thing I have plans for Salsa dancing tonight, and then got a surprise invite from a girlfriend for an overnight in the mountains, with a bed and breakfast and nice dinner with live music, hiking by the river... it was lovely that she thought to bring ME of all people!
(She'd won a contest and had two tickets.)
So I contrast this ^^^ sort of thing with my H and it's just not conceivable that he could really believe I'm so awful. But he's entitled to his opinion.
So I'm carrying on... really I am. Just--annoyed. I'll working on my acceptance a bit more, think of him like patient in the mental health clinic where I used to work.
