My H was SHOCKED at BD that I didn't say, "yeah, good idea, let's divorce". He was surprised by my desire to work things out, make changes, find our way through this. I was surprised by him being surprised.
I've often wondered if my inability to show vulnerability during our marriage made me seem stronger than I actually was. Too tough.
In actuality, my lack of vulnerability and ability to deeply connect was my way of protecting myself from the disappointment of not feeling safe enough with him to do that. I don't mean to imply it's his fault I was a b!tch. I know it's not. It's my fault for not making changes in me. I always wrongly assumed that making a change in our marriage required his cooperation. I never saw that my singular change could create a trickle effect.
And now I'm paying for that lack of realization.
I think it's good that you're reconnecting with your bawling and vulnerable side. It's hard but in a way it feels good to allow oneself to soften a bit and to just freaking emote instead of being a strong rock all the time. Do you feel similarly?
My personal opinion is that your H is leaning on you too much. You're in a place of having to help him rescue himself but I'm concerned that could backfire. I'm not a vet by any stretch of the imagination but you can't fix his depression, anger, get him on the right meds, fix his parents, be the strict parent he needed as a kid. It's not your responsibility. Your energy needs to be on YOU. Not on helping him pick himself up.
Also, can you slide the tree under the couch or shove it in a closet? Pick a date, say, December 15th, and work your way mentally preparing yourself for putting up the tree that day. Have a couple friends over, only talk about positive things. Make it DIFFERENT than just you putting up a tree alone.
You have control over that. You do. It won't be awesome but it doesn't have to be terrible. Make that choice.
