Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

The past two days have been rough. Wednesday night I got a message from H, saying that he wasn’t communicating because his meds were still giving him nasty side effects, making him very moody and he was avoiding blow ups. I thanked him, validated, etc.

And then about five minutes later it hit me like a truck and I spent a good 20 minutes on the floor of my kitchen sobbing. I’m not on H’s radar. At all. Haven’t been for weeks. Months, if we’re being honest. He hasn’t asked about me or my day in weeks. I suspect this is probably to the meds/depression. But then, take away the depression/meds issue and you still have the separation and his anger at me and all of the reasons why (he feels) I’m a horrible wife and doesn’t want to be with me.

The likelihood of me being able to have a conversation with my H – within the next month? Slim and none. That’s IF the meds get adjusted and he starts to feel better. Then you add into the situation, his feelings, etc. And the possibilities get smaller to the point where the reality is we’re probably going into NC.

I cried myself to sleep, for the first time in months Tuesday night.

Wednesday I forced myself to have a good day. Spent a majority of the day decorating for the holidays at work and running a lot of errands which kept me busy. I had been on the fence about decorating for the holidays since it would be just me, but I was having a good PMA. Like I said on Ss’s thread – I was all “eff yeah I’m going to enjoy the holidays. I’m going to buy a tree. I’m going to decorate, I’m going to do this.”

And I got home, and the tree is sitting in the box in my dining room, and the PMA was gone, and the sadness was back. Honestly, if I had room in my car, I would’ve taken it right back to the store. But I don’t. So it’s still sitting in my dining room. Mocking me. For some reason, I’ve assigned symbolism to the damn tree. And I can’t exactly figure out what the hell is bothering me about it.

Thursday, I was pretty weepy all day. Went to IC. IC told me H was lost in the fog of Depression/Meds out of wack and then our sitch. I have so much I want to say to him. So much I want to share. And he’s not in any place to hear it. She confirmed that. I told her that I needed to focus on myself. Because while up until the b drop, I was genuinely happy. With everything. Marriage, life, career, etc. But now? Now? I can’t name five things I like about myself. And if I can’t like things about myself – how in the hell would I expect H to come home? I feel like H’s negative view of our R has crept into me and saturated my soul. And I don’t like that.

I straight up bawled on her couch. Bawled. I never thought that if we were to come to this in our R that I would be this devastated. Even H noted when all this started how surprised at the devastation I showed. He genuinely thought I wouldn’t care. I thought I would be tough. I’m this tough b*tch right? Turns out I’m not. And I don’t want to be. Because look where that got me. Somewhere, on someone’s thread in the last week – they stated they want to be strong, not tough. I want that as well. The reason I’ve been so angry with my H? Because he can’t see my vulnerability. Because it’s wrapped up in anger. My IC believes if H could see the woman who bawled on her couch, who is making the revelations that I’ve been making – that if he was in a place where he was ready to listen and to see – that we might have a shot. That his perception of me might change. That I need to show the vulnerable, soft side. And I don’t know how to do that. And it scares me.

I cried myself to sleep again last night. Blah.

Tonight will be low key. I will ponder the tree, watch netflix, and go to bed early where hopefully there will be little to no tears.

I'm going to get through this.