Moments of "giddy"... I'll take 'em!

[fthnluv]

Why are you meeting with H and OW? Can you do that with a counselor or attorney present? I am worried you are still processing so much that you may not be detached enough yet. H is counting on your emotions to validate his decisions right now. It may sound silly but can you agree ahead of time on agenda items and stick to the list? I keep thinking a meeting with H and OW is exactly what is best for them and not you.

You have great insight here. It IS what's best for them and not necessarily for me. I am CHOOSING to meet her because she wants to meet me and I had proposed (in writing up our financial/custody negotiations) that no romantic parties be introduced to our children until they meet the other parent first. Not to "approve" that person but just to have a conversation and sort of get on the same page with someone who is clearly going to be a part of my kids lives, whether I want that or not. I did NOT expect this to be happening only 3 months post breakup. I feel like if I choose not to meet her now I may not be given that opportunity again before H introduces the kids (because in his negotiation back to me he did not agree with this condition, not sure why he is ok with it now).

As for the list, yes, I think I can do that and I think it is something I SHOULD do. At the very least I will write out what I think I want to say so that I have processed some of it before meeting her/them. I am also trying to figure out the possible right person to come with me. Most of his family side with me so they would not be the best to bring, my family seems too close and like that wouldn't work well, friends seem like they would be an awkward choice to bring. I am considering my Pastor, if he thinks it is a good idea. Debating about whether or not to tell H beforehand if I decide to bring someone or not.

Of course, the bigger issue at this meeting would be me keeping my mouth shut and not saying things like "Did you know we were still sexual up to this summer?" "Did you know he just broke it off with me in August?" "How do you think that God will bless your union considering it was one built on lies and adultery? How do you think you and your living situation affects the kids view of right vs wrong in a relationship?". Keep in mind that I (we) are pretty religious people so I realize that some people don't agree with some of this. It's where I am coming from.

The other thing that you may want to rethink is your promise to legitimize H's timeline of events. I agree that airing dirty laundry is never the best way to handle things. Your kids are young and vilifying their father is not the answer but to say you'll keep his secret to everyone, even if they ask is not respecting your marriage. It is also being dishonest. It also makes him feel valid in his version of events. You told him how you value honesty and then said you'd protect his lie. That is a mixed message.

I'm not sure I was clear here. I WILL NOT lie to anyone about his affair. IF someone were to discover it I would let them assume it was new. If asked directly I will tell the truth (debating about this with my Dad and sister as they will likely never forgive him if they know). It's not so much that I want to hide it or be dishonest, it's that I am not going to go around saying "Yes, H left me and the kids and has taken up and gotten engaged to a 23 year old", instead I will say that he has decided to D and tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and if asked if there is someone else I will say, yes, he is now engaged to someone else. They can do the math and figure probability if they want.

This just smells of a set up on the part of H and OW. Think about the things they could accuse you of if it is only them and you.

I hadn't considered that. I should bring someone, it's just a matter of who would be the best choice.

My thoughts on your husbands sudden increase in income and its effect is this. Have you and he filed financial affidavits yet?

No, not yet. We are trying to work as much as we can out together, behind the scenes to avoid lawyer fees. I may have to go the route of hiring a forensic accountant but I really don't want to if I can help it. The thing that ticks me off is that he does not want support to be based on this increased income (he's ok with the child support being tied to his income amount) and I feel like it was partly my efforts that even got him to this place. Also, I find myself wondering if I can simply own a portion of his business instead, that way I would reap the benefits of it. Valuation of his business is hard because it has no assets, all income is based solely on HIS efforts.