Thanks Wonka, I was up until 5:00 AM last night trying to understand how in the world I got here. I can remember all the times that I put myself and what I wanted on the back burner so that my W could do what SHE wanted. How many times she told me how lucky she was that I was there for her. How lucky she was to be M to her "best friend". I think you are right about her father talking to her. Her lawyer was ready to drop her last I heard and FIL has been paying the bills. I swear I heard his voice when she was saying some of the things she did last night!
One thing I noticed is that she has all these perfect memories from 20 years ago. Remembers all these things she says happened but can't seem to grasp that that was 20 years ago when we were in a very bad financial position. We were broke and had just moved to where we are now. I worked my butt off getting us out of that place and did well. Then she has zero memories of things that happened just a couple years ago when she first went into her MLC. She places no value on the things she has taken but way too much value on 10 year old appliances that won't last much longer.
I think the worse part was her telling me how much "happier" she is now that she has left. That and how I so mistreated our oldest D! She even went so far as to tell me that, when she was depressed and D19 was around 15-16 she acted out, got into trouble, etc. She did this because her mother was just not there. Physically she was but she spent all her time sleeping and moaning about how bad she felt. I know this because at the time D and I talked. I had to explain to my D that her mom wanted to be there, wanted to be like she had been but was sick. Now W is telling me D acted out because I was "too hard" on her? That is just so hitting me where she knows it hurts because I have tried so damn hard to be the best father I can. I put my kids first in every way. Stayed in crappy jobs that I hated so I could pay for their school while W refused to go back to work even after they were in school (we had always planned on her going back to work when they went to school). Even her not paying her student loans is my fault. Yes, she has even found a way to blame me for that! How the girls just don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how miserable they were for the last 10 years. How I'm the one projecting that the kids were happy not her projecting that they were just as unhappy as her!
I really, really dislike who she has become. She has made choices that hurt her kids and knows this but doesn't care. I have no respect for her any longer. How do you respect a person who takes no responsibility for their own actions and feelings? Who blames anything and anyone for their own failures? I see such a damaged person who is hurting the people I care most about in this world and not caring that she is.
I tried to stand for my M. I tried to see that she was in crisis, probably still depressed. I tried to just get out of her way but she just can't stop herself. Her father will be gone soon. When this happens I can see that she will be lost. I watched him hurt her for years and there was nothing I could do about it. Now the last thing he is going to do is make sure her M is over before he leaves and then what? My W does not have what it takes to be anything near the mother to our D14 that she needs to be. If only I didn't have that to worry about. I already see how what her mother has done and is doing is hurting her, changing her.
I see a person who tells herself lies and starts believing her own lies. One small example is that she said that just dropping me from her health insurance would drop her payments over $100 A WEEK. I could have gotten better coverage at my old company for $254 a MONTH. But she is telling me I cost her $100 a WEEK? That is so ridiculous just on the face of it but she is so certain of this and won't listen.
The most dangerous kind of liars are the ones that believe their own lies. That is who my W has become.
