Does that make it easier to smoke what I'm rollin ?
LOL, nope. And I live in a state where it's legal.
You're distinguishing wife and family. To their children, their is no delineation. rpp IS family. No matter if she stays married to her H or they divorce, they still have a family.
I realize I'm speaking for those of us who eventually divorced. Yet, I stayed this course for 2 years for 2 reasons: 1) for better or for worse meant something to me; and 2) our children. Although I'm divorced, I have no regrets about doing what I felt was "the right thing" for our family.
Simple kindness is something that nobody can ever take away from you. I can look myself in the mirror and feel proud of the road I've taken. My kids are much better off because of it. I've been divorced for almost 10 years, but my XH and I still share holidays together, still go to kid's events together, and while I realize that this is horribly unconventional and out of the norm, we still travel together. Hell, yesterday we officially updated our wills and kept each other as the executor and medical and legal POAs. I know that's not typical. But since I travel in a group of college volleyball parents who are divorced who do the same damn thing, I know we're not *that* weird.
We don't have ex sex or have a relationship that is abstract or laden with innuendoes either. We're friends who co-parent amiably.
Very often, parents that cut off the other parent are "rewarded" by the walk away parent walking away altogether. This isn't to say it wouldn't happen anyway. But why be the instigator in a situation that might not go that route if you can avoid it? If rpp can make it comfortable enough for him to co-parent much more actively and cooperatively, why wouldn't she do that if he's willing to *be* that parent?
Things *are* changing. He may never come home to accept his role as a husband, but he will always be the father of her children. And personally, I think he deserves a fair shot at stepping up to function that way. Sometimes the only gift we have to offer others--especially those who hurt us--is to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even when they are not returning the favor.
rpp is a spiritual and religious person, and I'm sure she fully embraces the concept of whatever you do for others, you do for me. It's not a position of denial, bdub. She's allowing her children's needs and wants to have a say in how she executes. If it harms HER in any way, I'm pretty sure that she has people here who have her back--including you--to help her see that.
But right now, I think the gift she can give all of them is to let this holiday season be as typical for everyone as she can. They've never been apart as a family before, and it's going to take the next 11 months for her to figure out a long term solution for all of them. Mine left January 3. We had all year to figure stuff out, and we still wound up not happy with the first pass.
FYI, when my XH, D17 and I traveled to NY to watch our D20 play in a college volleyball tournament, we all walked to a restaurant together (along with other people). My D20 said, "We look like a real family!" And her dad replied, "Your mom and I may be divorced from each other, but we are still family." He had quite a few people clap for him for that. Because it's true.
Anyway, that's my take... FWIW.
Betsey
p.s. The only reason my XH and I can do those things together is because I allowed them to happen. It all started with a simple gesture of kindness on my part. My girls truly appreciate having access to both of us without worrying about hurting the other's feelings. I'm beyond thrilled that we could do that for them.
Last edited by Underdog; 12/05/1407:25 PM.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
