Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Pink –

Thank you for your post yesterday – it was much needed. I confess, I read it and burst into tears and had to go hide in the bathroom for awhile until I could be non teary at my desk.

I don’t know how H is coping with the day to day reality of his situation. He said that he’s mostly going to work and trying to focus on his work and keep going. His boss knows about what’s going on (due to having to come in late/leave early for therapy appointments). Other than that – I think he goes to work, occasionally works out, and then goes back to his hotel room to do whatever it is he does. I do know I’m the only one he shows his anger to. Something about me triggers the anger in him. However, he did admit to me and his therapist that he’s been angry his whole life, but started suppressing his anger in his teens because he realized that his anger scared people and brought negative attention to him. (I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me feel – it’s not just me.)

My own arm chair psychologist analysis: I’m the only person in his life who has really pushed him and challenged him. His parents have always been very laid back/lackluster with parenting, support etc. They never encouraged their children to stick with things. To work through things. They’re very “free spirited” and feel that people should only do what they want to do in life. “Want to quit your degree one class shy of completion – ‘cause it’s a math course and you don’t like it? Sure, why not. You should only do what you want to do.” “Don’t want to keep working at your job because your boss annoys you? Sure, quit with no notice – another job will come along.” So, I’m quite the departure from do what you want to do. And at the beginning of this separation, I pushed. More than I should’ve. To talk, to try and understand. To try and get him to see reason. I also think I’m the only person that he’s really talking to, and being somewhat honest with – which is why I’m getting the anger. But I have to accept that he has to work through that, and I can avoid situations (for now) that triggers his anger. That’s HIS issue to work on, and when the time comes along where I can help with it – I will.

Am I confident that he’s not at a point where he will harm himself? Not 100%. I would say 99% confident he wouldn’t. But, having lost four people in my life to suicide, I worry probably more than I should. Factor in my own job (I work in the organ & tissue recovery field) and I deal with death EVERY DAY. With every death comes a story – and with the holidays right around the corner, the increases in suicides will start rolling in. So, I’m hypersensitive. ‘Tis the season……..blah. H does has a sit down appointment with our doctor about the meds today. Our doctor is very compassionate man and will do his best to work with H to find something that will work.

So having said all of that – I’m allowing myself to step back. I have to, because I have no other choice. My IC and I are actively working on all of your suggestions. I’ve had several moments of realization over the past couple of days and I’ve got to work on them.

Again, thank you for your kind words – and I like your analogy of being nature.

Hugs back to you.