my husband can't stand me

[okjpc]

Trulybl,

I've been relatively stable the past few days, but in near-constant pain. For the first couple of weeks I didn't get it. I thought WAW would come to counseling again and we'd work things out. After I realized she wasn't coming back any time soon, I was floored. I don't cry a lot normally, but I was sobbing daily. Full breakdown, curled up on the floor, sobbing like an animal. I teared up a tiny bit this morning, but haven't cried hard for a few days now.

What's helped? Well, I've been going to IC a couple times a week. I have a close relationship with a "sponsor" in a 12-step program and he's been a very good and patient support throughout this. I've started going to a new church and opening up more to the pastor and people there. Lots of prayer and meditation. I've been reading DB and other similar books every night and journaling quite a bit. I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed for a couple of weeks, but I pushed past that and started opening up to a few friends about what had transpired. They were all very supportive. Some validated my perspective in a helpful way and some helped by calling me out on my poor behavior in a loving way. And, I think, letting myself cry and get it out was a good thing. And the DB coaching has been helpful. And I'm very glad i joined this forum.

I am definitely interested in reconciling. This week, a close friend who was trying to be helpful, suggested I get out and see OW. I can't fathom that right now. I was divorced before and that's exactly how i moved past it. That actually worked to an extent. This time, there is noone else I want to be with. Can't imagine being with anyone else.

Not chasing after my WAW is so difficult. It's a daily struggle not to scratch the itch to send a text message. My mind tells me I'm letting her slip further away each day I don't reach out (even tho everyone here assures me the opposite is true). And sending a text, even if there is no reply, makes me feel a little bit closer to her. Like she's still in my daily life. So the DB rules seem counter-intuitive to me, but make sense in a logical way. And I'm just trying to trust the people who have been through this before me. Also, I know that the GAL actions I'm pursuing will make me stronger and better for my life with or w/o my W. I'm going to be a better man and a better parent to my kids either way. So I'm constantly trying to let go of my obsessive thinking and focus on taking positive action.

The flip side of feeling so torn up and vulnerable is that my heart is more open than it ever has been. I feel very humble and open to the world in a way that is very rich. I am conscious of this and I am working on staying present and not closing back up.

And, btw, i removed my wedding ring for about a week. I looked at a couple of dating sites, chatted with a couple of women. But then it hit me so strongly that I want to be with my W. We aren't divorced yet, I love her and am not giving up yet. So I put my ring back on and like having it on my finger right now. And even though i haven't seen my WAW in over two months, I imagine she has removed her ring and I have mentally prepared myself to bump into her and not be bothered by that.