Yeah, the PMS thing is hard to figure out from the male perspective. I can tell she is very emotional then. I can also tell often times she tries to avoid emotional topics then or sometimes me altogehter. Like what you did.
I understand I should just listen and validate and not press or pressure. Of course very important. But she seems to reveal more at those times, even reveal implied statements of teetering but not direct statements. Like she will acknowledge somthing giving me the benefit of the doubt. So if her emotions (doubts it and maybe wants it) are both close to surface (maybe mostly its guilt?) wouldn't this be an opportunity when the wall is weak? Or are you saying the wall is weak so defense reactions will be high? So hard to tell. Clarification from the ladies please?
Renew
Good hearing from you! You have pointed out some really good things, it just shows me how far you have really come in your understanding of DR. You have really grasped it quickly.
Quote: I find if I let her do the majority of the R talking when it happens, she reachs a point sometimes where she's no longer talking so much about her choices or decisions so much as she is using me as a mirror, a way to get a read on her own thinking, and it's in those rare moments where I feel like she is completely trusting with me, completely open.
GREAT POINT. I never thought of it as a mirror. The openesss feeling I have felt at times as well. Just hard for me to get her to even talk, she might start then try to run away before it gets deeper and she starts crying more. How do you respond during these times? Do you say I'm sorry you feel that way and then rephrase or repeat what she said to you? Is she crying or sad? Do you mirror her moods and do you cry?
Quote: Part of really listening to someone you really care about is being able to listen through the words (while at the same time still paying attention to the words), to just feel how that person feels talking to you--I know it may sound a little metaphysical, but there's some truth there that's important.
Another great point, thats very important to remember. Tough to do both, words and meaning behind the words both have meaning. I'm trying to understand her feelings as well, by thinking how I would feel if I were her. So important.
Quote: Seattle, I think its good that you seem to be achieving more detachment too, but don't let that push the two of you apart. The detachment benefit is being able to stay calm and supportive when they start crazymaking, detachment is not about not caring about them. Keep up the PMA and the friendship too. The friend thing is SO important. Good friends are almost as hard to find as good spouses, and good friends can also morph into great spouses.
SO TRUE. Thanks for reminding me of all of these things. WE ALL want our spouse to be someone we trust with everything, our best friend. I'll take it as a + she continues to call me her best friend. Detachment doesn't mean I don't care for her, it just means I won't let myself be hurt by her, but I still care for her very much.
THANKS EVERYONE. All of these posts are great as I reset my goals and reanalyze where I am now. Keep the feedback coming! Woo Hoo!
