Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[LisaB]

Hi friends, Figured since I'm on a roll why not start a new chapter? Old one: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511682&page=1

It's been five months since BD. I would say not much has changed. At this point WAH is a lot more friendly, a lot more eager to have a "relationship" with me than he was 5 months ago. But he is still not asking to reunite and he is still with OWs, although some different OWs than before.

Toying with a few ideas and points of view to see what my next best move is:

- if we will never reunite -
Maybe someday I will want to be friends, but not now. At this time I can't handle not being number one in his life.

- if we will reunite someday -
He needs to work through this OW stuff first, and then realize he wants to be with me. There is probably nothing I can really do to make him work through the OW stuff more quickly. Therefore I would rather not be around to know the details.

Busting my moves
So I can see that at this time I do not want to be friends and I do not want to be around him. I was being friendly (in response) with him because I thought it might strengthen and reinforce our bond, and could lead to getting back together. And I still think it could. But it is just too painful for me right now.

As Ahoy said on the end of my last thread, it is not cool to have to audition for our marriages. And I feel like that is what I have been doing. I have been looking good, smelling good, showing off my humor and my smarts, being kind and friendly. But he is still playing around out there. I feel like I am in an ongoing competition where I keep being second runner up but I still have to stand on the stage and smile and look happy for the winners. It's too difficult.

I need to take care of myself. Having said that, I will need help and advice on exactly how to manage this. (I'd love concrete advice, especially from the guys out there?)

I don't usually contact WAH first, he contacts me. And lately he is very friendly, helpful and caring. If I reply with brief answers it doesn't really accomplish anything. We are still in contact and nothing changes. He just keeps texting me nearly every day and each day is a new challenge on how to respond briefly.

I can simply stop replying to him. I haven't responded to his last four messages. They were nice messages but I have been in a very low place and I just can't handle it. But isn't it rude not to reply to messages or to be very brief? Is it DB?

I feel my dilemma would be solved if I could simply say something like "I don't want to talk to you until you quit dating all these other women!" but that is not DB and makes me look like I am still pining away for him.

I guess the best plan would be to not reply to most of his contact, be very brief when I do reply but not incredibly rude, and just take my space. But if he has second thoughts will he find a way to tell me or will he just accept that I have moved on? At this point, I guess it is simply a chance I have to take. I can't continue in friendly limbo.

Thanks for reading my tome and wish me luck on this stage of my journey where I bust a move.

[Calibri]

Hmmmm......

I struggle with the same thing, except on the other end. I've texted WAH to make sure he's ok, or to give him an update that he's requested. Some times he'll respond, other times he won't. And I'm thinking how hard is it to just acknowledge the damn text?

Respond to the messages that you want to, if any. Take your space. If H has second thoughts, he will let you know.

So, carry on with your plan.

[BigMac]

I have the same challenge. How to deal with responding.


A couple things I have been trying

1. Wait (sometimes over night)
2. If it is informational, don't reply

Since most communication is through text, this seems to work. I screw it up all the time though and respond immediately.

[Little]

I struggle with this too. I'm just wrote about it.

If you respond to his texts, he thinks you're friends and you run the risk of being put in "the friend's zone". He has no impetus to change his behavior, because he's calling the shots.

But, does frequent, light texting allow him to interact with you and realize you're changing/have changed?

I don't have answers on which is better, I'm in the SAME DAMNED BOAT. :P

[BigMac]

I think the goal is to respond selectively, but to not immediately respond.

Creating a tension and anxiety about whether they are being paid attention too. Whether you are moving on.. that is a goal.

[Ahoy]

Well, I for one just told my H that I need space. So my informational exchange with him is strictly limited to email or texts about our daughter and the crazy parking tickets that he keeps wracking up in my name. I think I read sandi's post a while back about the WAS having to miss you -- and to really realize that they will no longer have access to you -- to understand what they are losing. It may not make a difference, but going dark -- really dark -- will probably save your own sanity. Try dropping the rope and respond to his next random text by telling him you need some space. Then stop responding. It's been five months and nothing has changed, so it's probably time to try something different.

[Mozza]

This boat is crowded, Little and LisaB! For me, it's emails but it seems to be a similar situation. I've decided to reply and shine as much as I can, even if only to show her that I've a genuine interest in her, and a sense of humor she might be missing. My W has a serious OM though and he's moving in with her in January (they've KNOWN each other for 3.5 months so far), so perhaps this should influence my strategy. My thinking is: he didn't wait for me to clear out before going after her, so why should I go dark until she's available? I bet he wouldn't like to know how much she and I are emailing, especially since it has nothing to do with the kids (or she's playing me and is setting me up for some big news or request).

I told Little on her thread that you should set a high bar for him. I don't know what he's texting you, but I'd be attracted to a girl who has high standards, who laughs only at really good jokes or witty comments, and who drops it when I'm uninteresting. Getting a response, a laugh would be a reward that I would seek. OW who would think everything I say is funny, especially when I know it isn't, would be much less interesting. That's pretty much what my wife is doing to me now and, damn, she's good and I'm hooked.

As for some things being "too hard", I can relate, but I never apply this criteria to my strategy. I find all of DB too hard. If I was doing the easy stuff, I'd be writing her letters, knocking at her door, begging her to take me back, making a silly list of the reasons why I'm better than OM, sending her articles about reconciliation, etc. But I'm willing to make efforts to reconcile, and that includes tremendous emotional efforts. Merely accepting that my W sleeping with an OM is part of our R is beyond anything I expected to endure. So always ask: is this getting me closer to my goal?

[LisaB]

Hi friends, thank you so much for commenting and giving such good advice and feedback and commiseration. I really appreciate it!

Well, I for one just told my H that I need space...I think I read sandi's post a while back about the WAS having to miss you -- and to really realize that they will no longer have access to you -- to understand what they are losing. It may not make a difference, but going dark -- really dark -- will probably save your own sanity. Try dropping the rope and respond to his next random text by telling him you need some space. Then stop responding. It's been five months and nothing has changed, so it's probably time to try something different.

Ah Ahoy, thank you. Space.
I have been struggling with whether there is anything I can SAY to him regarding going dark. Thank you for this idea. I wanted to say something like "I don't want to be one of your pack, I'm special, so F off" but I think bringing up the relationship/OWs etc etc is not a good idea. But if I really want to say something I could say "I need space". It is vague, it is not an ultimatum.
On the other hand, I could also just think to myself "I need space" and say nothing at all. That would probably be even better. But thank you for giving me something to say if I need to say something.

Mozza, your friendly emailing method definitely could work! I think the best thing is to do what works, even if it is very difficult like you said. Shine bright, show her what she is missing, and watch to see what happens! Test your tactics and change it up if it doesn't have an effect.

Thanks Mozza and BigMac for your advice on what texts to respond to. I've definitely been doing that all along. It is working I think, but not as well as I would like.

In my (guessing) opinion, my H was happy with me, but thought the grass could be greener.

In the past five months he has found out that the grass is not greener, but he is still unsure or not ready to give up looking for those verdant pastures. What I am learning is that this has very little to do with ME. Sure I made mistakes and am not perfect. But this path he is on is really due to what is going on inside him.

To make a long story short, about a year ago he switched jobs and it changed his life completely. He became important, popular and surrounded by beautiful young women who look up to him because he is the boss. Suddenly he was traveling the world, meeting sexy and exciting people, and feeling very important. Before this he was an introverted guy with few friends. This change in circumstance seemed to throw him for a loop. Maybe he could now have the playboy lifestyle of an international superstar... what was he doing married to this boring person?

He seems to realize that I am terrific, but he is still wondering if he can do better... Probably reuniting has even crossed his mind but he is not ready to give up all the OWs. So he is out there enjoying the fabulous life, keeping me as backup buddy in case he doesn't find that greener grass.

Screw that.

I may not be perfect, and I may not even be the best he can do. But I am way too amazing to be #2 (or #5 as it may be).

In the end of the day it is really about me. I need space to take care of myself and not spend efforts trying to manipulate him.

Let's see how this goes! Haven't replied to any of his messages in a week so he's probably going to start angrily or desperately contacting me soon.

Thanks again friends! Talk soon!
Hugs, Lisa

[LisaB]

Hi friends, just checking in and journaling.

Rereading DR. Always a good idea. These boards have good tips and lots of commiseration but we are really here because of MWD, so I like to go back to her advice to see if I am on the right track.

I reread about affairs and I reread the LRT. And I feel like I am currently in the After Last Resort Technique stage. I need to make my H realize that there is no relationship between us anymore.

I feel like he has to see what his life is like without me. He is "confused" and "lonely" and "sad" and "missing me" but apparently not enough to ask me to get back together. So maybe some time on his own will straighten out his confusion and he will figure out whether he is happy without me or not. I don't know. I think it is out of my control now.

My problem always comes in the next stage. He is loving, kind and friendly to me - reaches out, wants to spend time together. I don't know his intentions, and according to DB I can't really ask. The only way I really know what he is doing is by spying on him. And honestly, I HATE doing it and it makes me feel like crap. But that leaves me in the limbo of not knowing why he is being loving and friendly. Do I have to be dark and distant until he straight out says "I want to get back together"?

If that is the case then OK. But I'm not so sure that is realistic.

Anyway, just thinking out loud.

We haven't communicated at all in more than a week and I have to say it feels OK. He did send me some nice texts but I didn't reply and still don't feel like it so I won't. I feel like being distant but maybe next week I won't. We'll see. Right now I want to protect myself from being just one of his harem of girls. That was really bothering me.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!
hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Hey, Lisa. I'm not sure if I should be offering advice since I feel like I am totally nebulous and off track in my own situation. But part of that is not knowing whether there is OW, depression, MLC…doesn't really change the approach but does contribute to me feeling like I don't get it. In your situation there is a clear obstacle.

I've said before that you seem to have "tolerated" the OWs situation in ways that a lot of people here haven't. By tolerated I mean that you have continued to hang out with H and spend time together. In some ways you are enabling his cake eating whereas others have drawn a line in the sand and told their S not to cross it until OW/OM is out of the picture. It takes guts and I hope I am never in a situation where I have to do that.

I don't think you need to ask what his intention is when he reaches out. And I definitely don't think you should do any snooping (since it makes you feel bad). I do think that you need to make it clear to your H that it bothers you that he continues to see OWs and that you don't want anything to do with him as long as that continues. That last bit is true, isn't it?

From what I have read, most of the people who R after A seemed to have set a pretty firm boundary and stuck to it. MrBond, Starsky for example. And there are people who are currently laying down the boundary and their S is all over it. HPoirot seems to have created all kinds of panic in his W by laying down the law. Tina825 just popped onto my radar and is another good example.