Seattle, it's been awhile since I've caught up on your thread, so pardon me for my meandering comments here...
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She later said she was PMSing and shouldn't talk to me when she is so emotional. Ironic I feel that is when she opens up to me the most, so do I contact her at these times even when she says not to?
These seem to be the times when W is most open and honest and forthcoming with me as well. Hmmmm. A female opinion on this one?
I generally leave opportunities for R talk up to my W. I'll only try to nudge into it if it's been several weeks or longer, or if we're going through something that's somehow pertinent the R's existence (like when she finally decided it was time to sign the S papers). I find if I let her do the majority of the R talking when it happens, she reachs a point sometimes where she's no longer talking so much about her choices or decisions so much as she is using me as a mirror, a way to get a read on her own thinking, and it's in those rare moments where I feel like she is completely trusting with me, completely open.
I really liked Betsey's sales analogy...
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"My answer is NO until I have sufficient information to convince me to make this a YES."
and I've learned in the past two months just how right she is about this...
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So just keep validating and understanding. We women LOVE men who can do this.... and a secret? (Please, yaya sisterhood don't beat me up for sharing this.) It's really touching when we know it takes you out of your comfort zone--it really shows a commitment to caring.
I think you want to be careful not to overanalyze WAW's feelings. Part of really listening to someone you really care about is being able to listen through the words (while at the same time still paying attention to the words), to just feel how that person feels talking to you--I know it may sound a little metaphysical, but there's some truth there that's important.
Seattle, I think its good that you seem to be achieving more detachment too, but don't let that push the two of you apart. The detachment benefit is being able to stay calm and supportive when they start crazymaking, detachment is not about not caring about them. Keep up the PMA and the friendship too. The friend thing is SO important. Good friends are almost as hard to find as good spouses, and good friends can also morph into great spouses.
DBing is not easy, its not always intuitive, but the more I learn it, the better I get, the more babysteps I see,... but, most importantly, the better I feel about myself. And with that I am more able to give to my W freely, with hope instead of expectation.
I think you've really been doing well with everything so far, so keep up the good work you've accomplished so far, and find something new to do better as well!
