Living in a cyclone

[adinva]

Hey there! Nice to see a call out on my thread! I'm doing fine mostly but dealing with a lot that keeps me busy. Been reading these forums a lot tho; there are several people i follow just to see how theyre doing and the advice theyre being given is often helpful to me.

I almost wrote here yesterday because i couldnt think of a safer outlet. Thoughts of being dead have been popping in my mind, which causes me a little concern. I dont worry too much because theyre always accompanied by thoughts of how unlikely, impractical, undesirable that wd be, how much my kids need me, and how much joy i get out of life. The idea that i'd miss out on any of it is ridiculous so these thoughts are a little alarming. I've read that the hotlines worry if you also have a means and a plan, which i dont. I just think of it when i feel so tired and my days are sometimes so hard. I have always known that i will feel better soon and i always do! Yesterday for ex started like this and by evening was a great day full of good things.

I was feeling down to start bc i caught a cold ceel like cr@p and would like to just rest. S14 wouldnt get out of bed and told me everyone in his life is expendable and nothing makes him happy, and i just didnt have it atm to help him it was just bringin me down more. I let him stay home skip the tests he was avoiding and discussed dropping the class he wants to drop. Made him get up and help around the house while i worked, and took him to my parents' for lunch. He cheered up but wouldnt go to school still. I felt at that moment some things are more important than school.

On the good side i found out insurance will cover psy testing for him yay and also the school is moving forward with testing. They emailed me a 200 question survey about his behaavior at home, which got him to help with, and couched in it were questions i was glad to have the excuse to ask: do you ever feeling hurting yourself or others for example and he readily said never. Do you ever feel worthless, he said occasionally. It was good bonding time i think.

I emailed h my discovery about the testing and my recommendation that we use our good friends practice tho its an hour away. H said to give him a couple days notice and he would take time off work to drive. I am glad to let him step up for that even tho i didnt mind doing it.

S16 is out with friends almost all the time, only coming home at curfew often, i miss him. He suggested we need a christmas tree, and im happy to see our traiditions matter to him. Thank goodness for allergy shots bc thats my guaranteed bonding time with him.

Thanksgiving was good, my parents hosted and my siblings came. Next day i drove the kids to h's sister's for pizza dinner and lots of family on h's side there. It was fine and i enjoyed seeing people. I barely interacted with h and his (lawyer) brother, not rudely just not near them or interacting much with them. At one point h raised his voice and used the youre-an-idiot voice that i know so well, speaking to his sister, and i had to leave the room for a bit. When i left i mentioned we were going the long way home because i had been a dollar short on the ferry over. H then handed me all the pizza money and said just keep it its fine. Which i didnt resist, and said thanks. I dislike him and prefer not to be around him, but he's a mostly decent person. He did manage to kid the boys and told everyone theyre both going to military school, har de har har, but i didnt get involved in that.

Work is good, satill adjusting to full time, and any day i have out of town or a morning meeting s14 skips school. That feeling of being pulled in 2 directions is stressful.

Still playing guitar and singing, planning to see live bands, gearing up for my first open mic.

Trying to spend time w my elderly parents, time seems short esp for my mom.

Still avoiding my divorce paperwork, but really emotionally ready to be done, just feel like i need some uninterrupted stretch of time to work on it, and i never seem to have any of those.

I think my weird mood is related to the dark cold season so i'm trying to just deal with it. I thought perhaps mentioning it here i could get some agreement that its not anything to be alarmed about. I do love christmas and am enjoying a month of carols on the radio.

Thanks very much for being interested in how im doing!