THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS. I really appreciate them. Lots of good stuff in here.
She is a clam when it comes to anything serious like feelings, sex, or anything that has to do with how she is percieved. Very self conscious and fears that she will not be loved, appreciated, respected, and honored. VERY BIG for her and that is why I think she is very reluctant to share these thoughts. Doesn't want to run this risk of not being accepted and loved. Anything trivial or light, she is a chatterbox.
After our latest R talk I get the feeling she feels a little less pressure since I think she came away feeling I understood her position (wanting a D) and why and why she is unwilling to try again. I said I would not stand in her way.
But I did want to be friends, see our dog, and it was silly I was prevented from that.
She had been unwilling to even engage in the small talk before. One word answers, I'm busy, REALLY COLD and really no warming. She had totally seperated herself and life from me to the point our connection was lost. I didn't really have a lot of info on her life to bring up in casual conversation. It was one sided. I'm sure you all know what I mean.
When I started helping with her business that opened up some topics, non R related and were helping her (showed care but not in a verbal way). She even said she was suspicious of my motives. I said I did it unconditonally and she accepted, whether she believed it or not, she needs the help. That is when things really started to warm. I had the Vday backslide, but it might be one of those short term backslides and long term progressions.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is still even hard for me at times to feel like she is reciprocating in the small talk. Cold wall even in the small talk. It has gotten a lot better since I've started helping with her business. When I asked her abut the avoiding and shutting me out she used her business as an excuse. When I said but you can spend time with OM but not even talk to me as a friend and I wasn't allowed to see our dog and that was silly, that is when I think she realized I was right. We will see if that changes now that she says she will make an effort to be more available as friends. I will continue the PMA and small talk feel good stuff. I will continue to try and build the friendship but time is running out on me.
We never talk about R unless she brings up D papers. That is when I have been saying I understand why you want this, I don't want this, but I won't stand in your way. Then there is R talk. I feel as if she feels like I am delaying and she even said waiting isn't going to change her feelings. So she feels pressure there.
I don't know if there is another way to relief this pressure other than to give her what she wishes, actually let her start the D process. Like she is finally free and maybe she will warm up more.
Just really confused on my next steps. Trying to make goals but don't know how she would react.
If I try to be her friend only and build the connection through small talk, she might question my motivation and still have pressure or suspicion or whatever.
If I let her file and go it alone, than she might feel relief of pressure. Then what do I do, pull back more and less of best friend and more of acquaintence? I went dark grey before and she shut me out, almost completely, it has taken a lot to get to this point. I don't know if I can stress this enough, SHE IS A MASTER OF DENIAL, uses rebound OM and has admitted it. This is how she has dealt with everything in her life. It gets too hard, so she runs instead of dealing with it.
One of her biggest complaints is that we never did things together. She has wanted to go through this process together because we don't have kids and have seperate accounts etc. and did not want legal fees, she is tight on money. Also I think going through the process together would actually build our closeness and if I am her best friend during this, wouldn't it make it that much harder for her to leave me? So confusing.
I guess I be her close friend as long as I can, build the closeness up as much as possible until somthing else happens. Please provide any opinions, trying to consider everything and anything right now.
