The Black Knight Lost in the End

[LoisB]

Matt,

1. The girls were telling me on Wednesday how hard it is when I spin. Both girls described for me what it's like when I receive more bad news.

"Mom, you get really quiet. Then, we ask you what's up and you sorta hem and haw...you don't come out with it. Then, you will be preoccupied."

D20 said that if it happens in the morning, it impacts the rest of her day.

It was a cold awakening to how MY fears impact the girls. And, I felt terrible that they are struggling already to find their way in this new place and I'm so distant and unavailable. I felt angry that I'm allowing jerks at work and in Ohio to impact their lives, again.

2. I had a situation with an angry reader/advertiser. I received the information in the morning. The girls and I were joking and having fun and I got the email. It was a stellar example of the above. I put the brakes on and comforted that little girl inside. I honored what she's been through and told her that...as long as she knows in her heart that she is doing her best...then, that's just fine.

3. I took a hard look at the emotional abuse I've suffered over the years. Ironically, facing it honestly means accepting that I'm NOT a victim. I've survived the brutality of a lot of people and it makes a lot of sense that I react to life the way I do. I developed some normal, now ineffective, coping skills to survive some harsh, troubled experiences and people.

4. I listened to some serious Gospel music about putting the devil in his place. Shut him down.

5. I reached out to my nice editor and told the truth. I shared my current burdens and I was validated and supported.

6. We met the counselor who validated our a$$es all over the place. She told us, over and over, how incredibly brave we were for breaking free from this unhealthy, toxic system in Ohio. She validated that it's been absolutely horrific at times and it's amazing that we've grown as a team and family despite the obstacles. She put the drama in Ohio in it's place and reaffirmed that we are on the right track and sometimes those old demons don't give up without a serious fight.

She also gave us some validating insight. She told us that sometimes life is all about taking one step out of the molasses and put your foot right back into it. It stinks, but, it's during these times that you learn so much about yourself and about life. These are the times that serve as an example and you can draw on them later in life when things get rough. You can say, "Well, if I survived THAT...I'm pretty amazing."

Plus, she was seriously touched by our situation. She was moved to cry at one point. It was like someone was saying, "Yes, Heather, this has been awful. It's not in your imagination."

D20 also validated me during the session by saying, "I look at my mom's parents and I wonder how she did it. I think I would have done myself in a long time ago if I had her parents. I feel so lucky to have won my mom in the lottery."

And, PLUS, I could see what an amazing job I've done while sitting in this counseling session. My daughter with Asperger's who was on the fence about coming to the session...well, I could see her sort through what to do.

At one point, she slipped into a meltdown. "I won't do it. I won't do it. Don't make me."

I could hear myself with the D proceedings and the hearing. The fear was enormous.

I gave her what I needed myself. I told her she can make whatever decision that works for her. It's all ok and I support her 100 percent. I broke it down and said, "How about we just go inside? You don't have to talk. Just walk inside. If it takes months before you are comfortable talking, so be it. We will do what we need to do to make YOU comfortable. You have been so brave by moving and even making it to the parking lot of the counselor. I will honor what works for you." And, I did. I told the counselor that D12 didn't have to speak if she didn't want to.

I DIDN'T ALLOW MY FEAR TO DOMINATE HOW I PARENTED HER. I PARENTED HER IN THE WAY SHE NEEDED WITHOUT SUCCUMBING TO THE FEAR AND THE FEAR ABOUT WHAT THE COUNSELOR WOULD SAY OR THINK. I TRUSTED MYSELF AND GAVE D12 WHAT SHE NEEDED REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE COUNSELOR WOULD THINK OF ME. I

I was true to myself and true to D12 and ended up parenting her the way I needed to be parented right now.

7. I checked my bank balance. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. And, I realized that things won't be timely, but I can do it. I realized that God is doing for me what I'm unable to do for myself. We will be ok here, just like we were in Ohio. It may take a little bit of time to sort through, but we will be ok. I will be ok financially...just have to get through this time.

8. I gave myself the ability to choose. I realized how hard, with the help of postings on these boards, how effin hard I've been working to make everyone else happy...EVERYONE...and how it spins me outta control and I make mistakes I wouldn't otherwise make. The perfectionist editor has been a great learning "tool" for me to see how I've REACTED to my dad and my husband and my family and everyone my entire life...spinning and working like a hamster to make them all happy. I realized that I'm a really, truly awesome lady even if they never, ever see it. I have value.

And, even if I don't send a GD thing to Ohio for this hearing, I will be ok. This hearing will not kill me. I won't let it. Life is just as it was before the hearing in terms of who I am and who God knows me to be.

I don't have to allow the fears, evil, disease of others to impact my world. My world is still MY WORLD. MINE. NO MATTER WHAT.

9. Finally, God gave me glimmers of the life we will have...sorta have now...and it's beautiful. Beautiful people, beautiful scenery, just BEAUTIFUL. I'm beautiful. God needed me to embrace the worst...accept it. Then, he showed me the best.

10. Every worst nightmare of mine has come true...with the exception of a few like falling into a vat of snakes and Smokey getting full custody of D12. But, the very worst has happened and I'm still standing.

Matt, push the fear away...make a physical gesture of it by using her hands to push the negative away each times it strikes. Stay in YOUR ZONE. Keep the doubters at bay in whatever way you need to. Pray. Be true to yourself.