Hey seattle don't get too jealous of the ladies hanging w/TripleJ, seems like we're all over the place LOL
Quote: My challenge though is she doesn't talk. So my job is REALLY TOUGH. I need to initiate, talk a little, listen and understand, but then initiate and draw her out more, and know when it is right to call it BS when it is clearly BS, but in a non-disruptive way (really tricky) while simultaneously understanding and listening and taking all the painful blows she delivers. The really difficult part is calling the BS in an understanding way, but I think I may have a handle on it.
I wanted to comment on this and let you know that unless she is normally a quiet type (part of her personality) than it merely is the sitch and her alien mode.
Truly, my H and I were S for 1 yr when he finally decided to open up and talk to me a little. I tried various different methods to get him to talk R but it didn't work mostly. It's all about their terms, really. When and if they want to talk is when we have to be ready.
If you're already doing the interaction and BS talks w/her now, it's a start and then you draw other things out. In my case, I had to get my H to "trust" me not to always want to talk about R and us (I think). So I started slow and asked about something he liked-work, sports, whatever. And then it grew from there. It took a lot of probing and a lot of effort on my part to bring these things up when I saw him but then he started initiated talks about a past discussion or referred to work or whatever so it's like he now is comfortable talking. From there has grown the R talks and they were going fairly well but H still is not in the right frame of mind to see that things can be different. (cowardly lion-LOL) so we're not ready for anything else as of yet. I guess I've learned that he needs to be ready and will throw tidbits here and there to see if he bites but if not, I don't pressure so I wait on his timeframe.
But, I do have some other means of getting him to talk. Each of us knows our S pretty good and know when it's ready or not. I mean, even though I wait, I can only wait so long so I do other things - note, message, mention about an upcoming deadline, etc.. and then will bring it up appropriately. Like, so what did you think about xxx and try to get a few morsels from him that way. Whatever works.
They've got to be ready to talk. If she brings it up, then let her talk. You can only get so much out of them at one shot so don't try to cram. Put some things on hold and when you end it ask if you can set up a period for the next discussion coz you may have some things that you need to refer back to after this talk or whatever. That might leave the door open a bit. Just some ideas.
I see the baby steps. Take note-thanks for dinner, memories, calling you, etc... We really want to see something huge happen but it won't right away. They're not gonna come right back so accept what they give, no matter how small and work on the next step. You can do it Seattle! Tootles.........
