Moments of "giddy"... I'll take 'em!

[fthnluv]

So, a lot has happened since I last posted. Gonna try to catch up here.

This is just so hard to wrap my head around. I spoke to my pastor yesterday and he told me not to try to understand it (or look back at the past and what I could have done or what he did or did not do and the different outcomes that may have happened) and that it is pure "craziness" in his head that we will never make sense of. He kept reminding me that I am beating my head against a wall in trying to change it or even figure it out.

Found out that H's income increased 3-8 times (yes, you read that right!) from the monthly amount he was collecting starting the month he filed for divorce. Not sure what I can do, if anything, about that. He says I am not entitled to it, only to the standard of living that I had with him. Not sure if that is true or if he held off on some income (he's in the construction field and can hold payment) until after he filed knowing that it would be his separate property. Not sure what I can prove anyway. It seems awfully suspicious. I need to talk to my lawyer about it (have appointment next week). It just feels so wrong that I stood by him for 23 years in hard and lean times and now that he is making a lot of money he drops me like a hot potato for a 23 year old and thinks I have no right to the fruits of his increase we have worked so hard and waited so long for.

Also found out today that he IS NOT coming to Christmas eve and Christmas day at his parents as previously discussed or planned. This does not surprise me, I sort of prepared myself for it but it still hurts so deeply, for both me and the kids. He will be with his new fiance and her family on the other side of the country.

I have a meeting with my counselor and lawyer and NOW my H and the OW next Thursday, the 11th. It will be H and OW, then the counselor, then the attorney as far as order of "meetings" go. I wish it was H and OW at the end but it might work out better this way because I won't have a ton or ammunition to shoot at them from the other meetings.

I am so frustrated because it is clear that he is moving at warp speed and there's next to nothing I can do about any of it (maybe delay their marriage by stalling divorce but I doubt that's a good move) I can't stop him from letting the kids meet her. I wish I could. I will fight, legally, to stop overnights with her if I need to.

I keep telling myself that this is going to get worse before it gets better but it keeps just getting worse and worse at warp speed and the only thing left that would be more devastating would be a new baby for them, which I am preparing for and dread the fallout, emotionally for my kids and how that will make them feel about him living with that baby but not with them.

Praying that I catch a break and feel God's mighty hand leading me again soon. I thought I felt that way yesterday and that He was confirming my stand once again but today is just so far removed from that it is easy to forget the feelings of hope I had yesterday.

Today I have had mixed emotions. I have feelings of "is this really what you want from me God?" and fleeting ones of "why do I even want him back?". I imagine this is normal too. Until I feel called strongly by God to do something different I am standing. It's just apparently going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.