I just composed and deleted a bunch of texts to H because he just ticked me off with exactly the scenario we described above.
He threw out the cushion to my favorite chair which has been stored in the basement until the upstairs is done. (Which will be never.) That's something he's been wanting me to do, throw out things in the basement, presumably so he can live there someday. (Right.)
I told him three times that nothing I had down there was junk, just things in storage, and was not "throwing anything away". (Especially now since I may be having my own place. You'd think he'd realize that furniture might come in handy!)
I asked him nicely to focus on getting rid of HIS construction debris down there. (AKA: "Trash" And plenty of nails, pipes, sheetrock scraps...and more.)
So tonight we're down there and he picks up the the note I'd left for him after I saw he'd tossed some of MY things. A nice note, "Please remember not to throw anything out without checking. Thanks! :)"
He says to me, holding up the note: "Just so you KNOW, the only thing I REALLY threw away was that old cushion."
I say: "That's my favorite chair (antique, had it before we were married, sentimental value!) and I wanted that original cushion (a bit raggy but solid and easily covered) to see about replacing or re-covering it. (TO PUT IN MY NEW HOUSE WITHOUT YOU!!!! Didn't say that.)
He then says, like he's talking to a child: "You KNOW, ANYone who does upholstery can EASILY make a NEW cushion." But this is the same guy who would also say that cost too much, was stupid, it would never get done.
Still...I bit my tongue. But I didn't need a NEW cushion. I HAD one! Until he tossed it out.
ALL I said was, "Please don't throw away any more items without checking with me, maybe focus on all this construction stuff." Calmly, without blame, maybe my voice went up a bit, he is very good at reading people, so I'm sure he picked up that I was mildly annoyed.
And I walked out of the room, not angry, just a bit peeved. Didn't raise my voice, didn't accuse him... I would have never accused him in the past, either. It was probably an honest, ADHD mistake.
But here's the kicker. He flounces out without a word, (usually tells me he's leaving) and no "good night" text as usual hours later. This is on the tails of the last cold-shoulder treatment I got from him after implying that my life wasn't all unicorns and rainbows at the moment....why? HE could fill in the blanks on that one.
I KNOW he's Pissed at ME for showing any negative emotion which might imply he's not friggin perfect. He has always been like that. Can't take even perceived criticism.
It's actually worse than ever, this tendency. These days I can't say a thing or even breathe heavily. I can't let my voice show any emotion. Since he has treated me so callously, even a hint of his wrongdoing and he gets all passive-aggressive on me. It's really pretty sick.
He takes it as an attack on his character or something.
OK... so I'm roiling a bit. I sent him a text: "Hey--I know you wouldn't have thrown that cushion away if you knew it was important to me. :--)" Just as sort of an invitation to see if he would apologize.
I get this snippy response: "Correct." "gn"
Nice. So I said, "Well, we all mistake". "Make mistakes". "Hahah... Get it?" "Sorry... forgot." (Deliberately vague, thinking, yeah, 'forgot' you have no conscience/sense of humor/are an a$$hat/take anything said as criticism/have to attack people in a passive-aggressive way to make them "pay" for upsetting you...).
Me: "Good Night" (And yes, I can actually write more than "gf".What is THAT, anyway?)
So really, by now I'm doubly ticked off. "Correct"? Again like it's ME who has a problem with what he did after I asked him REPEATEDLY NOT TO THROW MY STUFF AWAY.
He doesn't make mistakes like the rest of us mere mortals. If he does, it's someone else's fault, or there was a REALLY GOOD REASON why he broke a promise, lied, did exactly the opposite of what he said he'd do, raised his voice... blah blah blah.
I did break down and text: "I guess if you wanted to be kinder, you would be. Point taken."
Not DBing, but he's so ALL ABOUT HIM. I get the least bit upset about anything he does or did, show any negative emotion, and he's angry at ME.
That is really twisted.
I know I should be grateful that the worst he does is get snippy electronically or give me the cold shoulder, but this is a grown man. This tendency is him is really very maladaptive. I walk on eggshells all the time.
I am not allowed to be angry, upset, sad, fearful, sick to my stomach, or anything else like that because it makes him feel bad about HIMSELF and that feeling is MY FAULT and I must be punished. Likewise, I must be punished if I am TOO HAPPY and appear to be moving on without him as he has said he wants. If I don't make him feel wanted or needed.
It's a Lose : Lose. It's maddening. And I think that's why he can't be around me. He can't risk having any "bad feelings". Just like I've always said. That's why he has to divorce me. Because I will be a constant reminder of his mistakes, and a potential reservoir for more bad feelings coming his way. -------------------------------------------------------------
I am NOT mind reading this ^^^^. I know it's true. I've lived with it all these years and seeing this trait so amplified is really making it clear for me.
I'd love some of our Codependent Nice Guys/Conflict Avoidant/Passive-Aggressive/Manipulative Guys with not the best self-esteem...who are self-aware and working hard on their stuff to give me some insight into what this dynamic is all about. It might help you too, LiveNow.
