New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

3 and 4 hurt me the most. They're false and said to build a fence around their decision.

Do you know if she has someone else lined up? You make no mention of an OM (other man). I ask because my W lied to me until I figured it out myself, but the OM was there all along.

3 & 4 were hurtful, and when I first heard them like most, I didn't take it well. I understand now that she was building a wall to support her behavior. At the time, I just didn't get it.

I thought for a long time that there was a OM. I asked her on multiple times and the answer was always No. As of two months ago her family didn't know of one either. I obviously can't continue to ask and am no longer trying to find out. Although I would love to know. I can't control that.

Another thing that isn't clear: what's your goal? Do you still want to save your M? If so, how much are you willing to put into it? Or are you here for self-preservation and development?

My goal... It has always been to save my marriage. I am confident (120%) believe that I married my soulmate. "It isn't that we choose poorly, it is that we choose not to change when our relationship needed change." I miss her and I love her. I am seeing a therapist (going on 7 weeks), stopped drinking for month (now only drinking socially as part of GAL), I've had 6 sessions with the nicest DB Coach you could ask for, and I've analyzed and overanalyzed many things I am sure (I'm an engineer but not a socially awkward one). I don't want to look back on this event and think that I should have done more. Thats why I am trying to do so much. However, what I have noticed is that as I pour myself into change, the lack of any change or confrontation of our real issues on her end is upsetting and disappointing. I know that I can't expect it, but it is disappointing, and so the last couple days, I've been able to imagine life alone.