My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I'm not sure if anyone is seeing my posts yet because I think I must still be on moderation, but it's helping to be able to sit down and vent/write about what's going on in my life right now. It's also helping me to read other people's stories and what they're going through and how they're handling similar problems.
My husband took the kids to his mom's for the day and it gave me some time to get things done around the house and catch up on some deadlines for work. He said again this morning that he wanted to talk to S3 about what's going on. I said I'd prefer to wait until we did some more research and met with the school psychologist to know what to say and whether we should actually say anything at this point, because if we reconcile that might be confusing, so it probably would be best to wait until we talk to another professional and read a little more on the topic.
My husband said he was offended I'd told other people what was going on—close friends of mine/ours and just one neighbor. The only reason I told her was because our kids go to school together and she comes over a lot for playdates. She noticed my husband's car wasn't around anymore really and she could see I seemed upset and she asked if everything was OK. I went ahead and told her because she's a neighbor I trust and our boys play together and honestly, I felt like it was important to let someone know who was nearby in case of an emergency. I feel better knowing someone is aware of the situation and is probably keeping an extra eye out for us while I'm in a house alone with two small children. My husband asked why I would tell other people when our son doesn't even know and that he wouldn't want him to hear it from one of his friends during a playdate. I said I understood why he would be concerned about that but I didn't think we had anything to worry about. I think my husband feels really bad and embarrassed about our situation and I want to scream, if it bothers you so much that people know, why did you do it? But I didn't and I won't.
As for Christmas, it hasn't come up again. I've decided to just let the issue go for now. I am planning to invite him for Christmas morning because I think it's important that he be here for the kids opening their presents, but I'm going ahead and letting him go alone with the kids to Christmas Eve at his mom's. My husband is not the best communicator especially right now, so I don't even think his siblings and their children will even know I'm not coming until the actual day. One thing I do not want is for our kids to be upset and miss me and wonder why I'm not there, but if he has to face his family asking him questions like, really, you didn't invite Lorelai? I don't think that's a bad thing. Yesterday my MIL said she doesn't think he's really thought this through and the consequences.

I'm off to bed now. I've had terrible sleep this week and my little ones went to bed early, which I'm grateful for, so I'm going to get some extra sleep tonight. Speaking of gratitude, one positive I believe I'm experiencing from this is a new perspective. Suddenly little things like the kids gong to bed easily and earlier make me thankful. I can feel myself actually becoming less impatient with people, like in traffic. When someone's going slow or cuts me off, instead of getting annoyed I tell myself they might be going through what I'm gong through or maybe even something worse. I feel this sudden compassion for everyone I encounter each day, even complete strangers. Maybe it was time for me to learn this lesson. Alright, finally going to bed now.