The Black Knight Lost in the End

[123Gwen]

Maybe you hit the nail on the head? "It's a scary feeling to live without so much fear..."

This could be the crux of how you have dealt with stressful circumstances in the past. You used fear to your advantage and now when you are faced with tough stuff you are trying to cope in the same way but it doesn't have the same effect because you are redefined.

Just spitballing. You are doing terrific. With everything up in the air in Ohio it is probably better you don't have more pages. I think the atta' girl is fantastic!

[LoisB]

Thanks Gwen :-)

Wouldn't that be a hoot?

I can't remember ever NOT being afraid...afraid life would gobble me up because I couldn't handle it.

I think the piece that hit me today was...I can do this. This whole life thing, supporting myself...I can do it. And, I feel this hollow strange feeling inside knowing this.???

[AJM]

And, I feel this hollow strange feeling inside knowing this.???

Hollow? Or different?


AJ

[LoisB]

It's a letting go feeling. Letting go of the house. Letting go of that old me. Letting go of the dream. Sad, hollow, but strange...

Oh my Gosh, I just nailed it. If feel like childbirth.

Childbirth is awful and terrifying and there are moments, at least for me, where I was thinking I might die...I can remember drifting in and out of consciousness with D12. Her labor was really intense and fast and I went natural.

There's this ugliness and grittiness and raw, horrifying part to childbirth for me. It seems to other-worldly and too raw for words. Too ugly and scary to be real.

But, the nurses just walk around and do their thing because it's what they do and they know that people survive childbirth and it all get's done.

Then, the baby comes and it's all Disney again.

That's how this has felt. It's felt too ugly and frightening for words and too scary to be real. But, I've survived childbirth and I will survive this.

There's this part of childbirth where you sense you have reached the end. And, I think that's what I'm reaching and it hasn't anything to do with Matt. IT has to do with me.

I will get the material together for him. I will answer the questions in the hearing. I will prepare, but he can't hurt me anymore. This chapter of my life is closing.

[uRworthy]

Welcome, Heather....to your new life, to the new you.

It is scary getting there, isnt it? When you have to let go of what you know. Even when what you know isnt good for you.

I knew, without a single doubt, that you would get here. I think you knew it, too. But you held on to the last possible moment..until you were fully able to take that last leap.

Good on you, sweetie. Good on you.

[kml]

Girlfriend - your future's so bright, you're gonna need to wear sunglasses!!!

[Matt165]

Hey Heather,
Well, it seems now that you are feeling better, now my W has struck again. I let her goad me into "talking", big DB no-no, that's for sure. Well, not only did I get the usual how "unfair" I'm trying to be, I got an entire rehash of the most vile spew from the last year with even more thrown in for good measure! To be honest, I have been on edge like you were the last week myself being totally broke and having to ask parents AGAIN for money to trying to make some at my present job and finishing the courses that I need to start the new one and was feeling overwhelmed. Her hour and half long spew didn't help.

It's was so hard to hear how awful our entire M was, how awful a h and father I was, how she has NEVER really loved me and would have actually died if she didn't move out. How I should not get to recover the money from paying the debts she brought into the M, nor the retirement money of mine we cashed in. How I only was good to my older D AFTER W asked for a D because I wanted to "make her the bad guy". To top it off I hear from HER that my lawyer sent HER lawyer a letter saying he was no longer going to represent me! Says that he has been unable to reach me. Well, last I heard I told his secy. that I couldn't meet until the first week in Dec. because I was looking for a job AND still trying to earn a living! I didn't get a letter!

Sorry didn't mean to hijack there! I'm just so glad you are feeling better and now I want to start feeling that way as well. I am so curious to see this newspaper and read your column! How did you you stop the spinning from this latest Smoky event? Right now I feel like I want to cry and at the same time kick W's butt! (I never would, just feel like it). What helped you the most to stop feeling so darn overwhelmed?

[LoisB]

Matt,

1. The girls were telling me on Wednesday how hard it is when I spin. Both girls described for me what it's like when I receive more bad news.

"Mom, you get really quiet. Then, we ask you what's up and you sorta hem and haw...you don't come out with it. Then, you will be preoccupied."

D20 said that if it happens in the morning, it impacts the rest of her day.

It was a cold awakening to how MY fears impact the girls. And, I felt terrible that they are struggling already to find their way in this new place and I'm so distant and unavailable. I felt angry that I'm allowing jerks at work and in Ohio to impact their lives, again.

2. I had a situation with an angry reader/advertiser. I received the information in the morning. The girls and I were joking and having fun and I got the email. It was a stellar example of the above. I put the brakes on and comforted that little girl inside. I honored what she's been through and told her that...as long as she knows in her heart that she is doing her best...then, that's just fine.

3. I took a hard look at the emotional abuse I've suffered over the years. Ironically, facing it honestly means accepting that I'm NOT a victim. I've survived the brutality of a lot of people and it makes a lot of sense that I react to life the way I do. I developed some normal, now ineffective, coping skills to survive some harsh, troubled experiences and people.

4. I listened to some serious Gospel music about putting the devil in his place. Shut him down.

5. I reached out to my nice editor and told the truth. I shared my current burdens and I was validated and supported.

6. We met the counselor who validated our a$$es all over the place. She told us, over and over, how incredibly brave we were for breaking free from this unhealthy, toxic system in Ohio. She validated that it's been absolutely horrific at times and it's amazing that we've grown as a team and family despite the obstacles. She put the drama in Ohio in it's place and reaffirmed that we are on the right track and sometimes those old demons don't give up without a serious fight.

She also gave us some validating insight. She told us that sometimes life is all about taking one step out of the molasses and put your foot right back into it. It stinks, but, it's during these times that you learn so much about yourself and about life. These are the times that serve as an example and you can draw on them later in life when things get rough. You can say, "Well, if I survived THAT...I'm pretty amazing."

Plus, she was seriously touched by our situation. She was moved to cry at one point. It was like someone was saying, "Yes, Heather, this has been awful. It's not in your imagination."

D20 also validated me during the session by saying, "I look at my mom's parents and I wonder how she did it. I think I would have done myself in a long time ago if I had her parents. I feel so lucky to have won my mom in the lottery."

And, PLUS, I could see what an amazing job I've done while sitting in this counseling session. My daughter with Asperger's who was on the fence about coming to the session...well, I could see her sort through what to do.

At one point, she slipped into a meltdown. "I won't do it. I won't do it. Don't make me."

I could hear myself with the D proceedings and the hearing. The fear was enormous.

I gave her what I needed myself. I told her she can make whatever decision that works for her. It's all ok and I support her 100 percent. I broke it down and said, "How about we just go inside? You don't have to talk. Just walk inside. If it takes months before you are comfortable talking, so be it. We will do what we need to do to make YOU comfortable. You have been so brave by moving and even making it to the parking lot of the counselor. I will honor what works for you." And, I did. I told the counselor that D12 didn't have to speak if she didn't want to.

I DIDN'T ALLOW MY FEAR TO DOMINATE HOW I PARENTED HER. I PARENTED HER IN THE WAY SHE NEEDED WITHOUT SUCCUMBING TO THE FEAR AND THE FEAR ABOUT WHAT THE COUNSELOR WOULD SAY OR THINK. I TRUSTED MYSELF AND GAVE D12 WHAT SHE NEEDED REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE COUNSELOR WOULD THINK OF ME. I

I was true to myself and true to D12 and ended up parenting her the way I needed to be parented right now.

7. I checked my bank balance. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. And, I realized that things won't be timely, but I can do it. I realized that God is doing for me what I'm unable to do for myself. We will be ok here, just like we were in Ohio. It may take a little bit of time to sort through, but we will be ok. I will be ok financially...just have to get through this time.

8. I gave myself the ability to choose. I realized how hard, with the help of postings on these boards, how effin hard I've been working to make everyone else happy...EVERYONE...and how it spins me outta control and I make mistakes I wouldn't otherwise make. The perfectionist editor has been a great learning "tool" for me to see how I've REACTED to my dad and my husband and my family and everyone my entire life...spinning and working like a hamster to make them all happy. I realized that I'm a really, truly awesome lady even if they never, ever see it. I have value.

And, even if I don't send a GD thing to Ohio for this hearing, I will be ok. This hearing will not kill me. I won't let it. Life is just as it was before the hearing in terms of who I am and who God knows me to be.

I don't have to allow the fears, evil, disease of others to impact my world. My world is still MY WORLD. MINE. NO MATTER WHAT.

9. Finally, God gave me glimmers of the life we will have...sorta have now...and it's beautiful. Beautiful people, beautiful scenery, just BEAUTIFUL. I'm beautiful. God needed me to embrace the worst...accept it. Then, he showed me the best.

10. Every worst nightmare of mine has come true...with the exception of a few like falling into a vat of snakes and Smokey getting full custody of D12. But, the very worst has happened and I'm still standing.

Matt, push the fear away...make a physical gesture of it by using her hands to push the negative away each times it strikes. Stay in YOUR ZONE. Keep the doubters at bay in whatever way you need to. Pray. Be true to yourself.

[LoisB]

I also validated for myself that my atty is a sorta anal pricck who spins a lot himself. He gets very tense and I know I drive him a bit crazy. This D hasn't been my top priority. Smokey has become an afterthought when it comes to day-to-day living. I may still grieve and so forth for our old live...but my focus has been on this new life. If I had had the funds to really shop around, I probably wouldn't have chosen him. But, even where he's concerned, I gave myself permission to love myself regardless of what he things and just do my best.

[LoisB]

Job,

I looked at the house listing. Pretty sure that is skank's dog in our living room. I'm angry.

That rat bastardd.

At least she cleaned up the shid we left.