The Black Knight Lost in the End

[LoisB]

It's a letting go feeling. Letting go of the house. Letting go of that old me. Letting go of the dream. Sad, hollow, but strange...

Oh my Gosh, I just nailed it. If feel like childbirth.

Childbirth is awful and terrifying and there are moments, at least for me, where I was thinking I might die...I can remember drifting in and out of consciousness with D12. Her labor was really intense and fast and I went natural.

There's this ugliness and grittiness and raw, horrifying part to childbirth for me. It seems to other-worldly and too raw for words. Too ugly and scary to be real.

But, the nurses just walk around and do their thing because it's what they do and they know that people survive childbirth and it all get's done.

Then, the baby comes and it's all Disney again.

That's how this has felt. It's felt too ugly and frightening for words and too scary to be real. But, I've survived childbirth and I will survive this.

There's this part of childbirth where you sense you have reached the end. And, I think that's what I'm reaching and it hasn't anything to do with Matt. IT has to do with me.

I will get the material together for him. I will answer the questions in the hearing. I will prepare, but he can't hurt me anymore. This chapter of my life is closing.