MLC = my last chance

[123Gwen]

I can't distract myself enough today. Not sure why this birthday has me so upset. Right now it is all I can do not to text OW some hateful message.

One thing I have had to learn over the last few months is restraint. It is not easy but I am finally understanding the value in restraint. H still has no idea of the evidence I have if things should go to court. The old me would have thrown it all out there but now I just keep it filed away. Partly because I dream he'll wake up but also because I just hate trashy behavior. Unfortunately I may not have a choice if H refuses to be fair on alinony.

I am mad at H because of his choices. I am mad at OW because she knew me and preyed on H. OW is a symptom and a hot mess and not my concern but I am still mad. I am mad at myself for trusting H 100% for a quarter of a century. I am also mad at myself because I allowed myself to be financially dependent and I am scared.

Have been searching for a job. Lots of rejection and polite smiles. I may have a temp job for a couple of months and that will be a good start. You know I have a degree and supported H through school. I should not have given up my career for him but all I wanted was a marriage, family and to be a good parent. Now I am scavenging for crumbs of any job.

Sorry for the pity party. I think between the holidays, the job search and H's birthday I am feeling overwhelmed. I am still in disbelief a twice divorced hot mess of a selfish woman could lure H away from everything and everyone. This is not the man I married but yet it is...I know he had all the textbook MLC triggers (job loss, saw two people die, caring for dying parent, FOO issues, car crash, etc.) and labeling it as a crisis used to make me feel better. I knew he wasn't mentally balanced when he left but now- does it matter? He left to be with a woman. He left and here it is his 50th birthday and I am crying again.

Sorry all just a tough week. I think it is going to be a tough month. For some reason I am hoping 2015 will be a new start for me emotionally. It won't be over but just feeling like I survived 2014 will be an accomplishment.