Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

AWOL again. I'll try to catch up. I wrote this post over a week ago but forgot to push "submit". Later I'll follow up later with something more current....

The week before last: Rocky for me, great for Mr. Gritty.

He was thoughtful and calm through stressful situations and I could see he is really trying. But he still had these weird memory issues where he's still rewriting history.

We had one bad fight that week. We were chatting and I made a suggestion about a family matter. I had no agenda, just was talking off the top of my head. But H "knew" I was poking at him. He told me to back off and the heat in his voice took me by surprise. I mean, it just came out of nowhere. I regrouped and apologized for my thoughtlessness. He spiraled into a GritStorm. (I should trademark that. GritStorm®.)

I asked for a timeout -- twenty minutes to compose myself -- H ignored the request and kept shouting at me. I practiced my deep breathing but ended up crying. Then H decided HE needed the timeout, and I got angry. I said, "Oh, I can ask for a timeout, which you ignore, and now you want one and I'm supposed to comply?"

New Rule

We talked about this fight during MC. The next time one of us asks for a timeout we are to specify an exact amount of time and use a timer if we need to, in order to keep our word about coming back to the discussion. If the other doesn't comply with the timeout, the asker is to walk out of the room but come back within the specified time.

I'm still having a hard time not asking questions about the PA and it's been weighing on me. I feel like we're just forgetting everything that happened and are playing at dating. I want more details about the PA. I want to know if I know the other OWs that he dated. They are like little ticking time bombs to me. I had a session by myself with the MC and he asked me why I wanted to know, if it would do me any good. I couldn't answer except it is a strong urge. The MC encouraged me to let it go, to stop thinking about it.

Overall Mr. Gritty seems really happy. When he describes our week to the MC, he'll always say it is our best week yet. That we are really coming together as a couple again. He never sees our arguments as bad as I see them. That seems right, considering I'm the conflict avoidant in our relationship.

All about Mr. Gritty's Memory Issue Syndrome

Mr. Gritty's version of why he decided to D me keeps changing. It's like a temperature check, hearing the different reasons he comes up with.

During our last MC I asked Mr. Gritty why he changed his mind about D, and he announced: "I felt like I wanted a D, but felt it would be better to spend time on it and make sure. But then I saw that dragging it out was hurting you too much. So I initiated D out of compassion for you. It was the compassionate thing to do."

Normally I let stuff like this slide, but since we were in the MC office, I asked him if he remembered the reasons he listed the afternoon he initiated D: when he told me I was a poisonous, vindictive and bitter woman, that I could never forgive because it isn't in my nature, that I had been rubbing his nose in sh!t and would forever do so, that I was trying to get him fired, etc.

Mr. Gritty insisted he never said any of that stuff. He started a spiral into another GritStorm&reg and the MC raised his hands so we both stopped right there. I didn't even mention the texts he sent me that evening (still on my phone) after he initiated D, when he told me how I had "pushed" him into it... maybe I needed him to D me and he was clueless as to why -- I didn't even mention those texts.

The MC once again reminded us we have dysfunctional communication habits. The rest of our session was reworking strategies to communicate better doing heated exchanges. Our assignment was to continue to save "the difficult conversations" for the MC office.

Going off the deep end

After that session I became more agitated. I decided H was still in contact with OW. I decided that was the reason OW was acting up. I started collecting statements he made that didn't add up. For example, he mentioned twice running into OW and how she appeared to be "angry" with him. How she was acting all out of proportion to the situation. How he used the phrase "vindictive, poisonous and bitter", a phrase he often used to describe me during our separation.

I thought... maybe he broke it off with her again? Which would mean... that he had been on with her again, maybe the reason why he initiated D? Maybe that's why she blocked me on FB after he broke it off? Because he finally broke it off?

...

This is the kind of stuff I made myself crazy with the week before last. I felt like I did when he was gaslighting me after the BD, just before he left me, like I didn't have the full story.

Before the 2" x 4"s come, I know, I know! I lost all detachment! I was creating expectations! I was so focused on him... I admit I was lost. I had no direction, no perspective.

The Flashbacks Continued

November last year, I knew something was wrong with H and I was desperately worried about him. I didn't know it but his PA had been in full swing and he was busy convincing OW that he couldn't wait to leave me and move in with her.

He was constantly jumping all over me, accusing me of lying to him, of hiding things, of being a freeloader, of not pulling my weight financially and spending the money he worked so hard to earn.

He would insist he "knew" what was in my heart. "Yeah, Nitty, well, what you say is different from what you do, and what you do says 'F--- Y--.' Yeah! I know exactly what you're doing and I'm not gonna put up with it!" Stuff like this would of course would fill me with dread, because, no! That was not in my heart!

And yet I still thought I had everything covered. I believed he was having medical issues, like an impending heart attack or stroke. I was supportive. When he shouted at me, I would reach out to him, tell him I loved him, ask him what I could do to make his life easier. I didn't ask questions.

As I prepared for turkey day, all these memories flood into me. When I ordered the turkey, I remember how stressed I was last year when I ordered it, because he yelled at me all morning that day. Or when I looked over the upcoming December calendar, I remembered how glum I was, believing that he might be in the hospital with a heart attack before Christmas, not knowing it was because of his MLC and OW. These flashbacks made me feel so sad and resentful because my life? IT WAS A LIE.

The anniversary of BD is looming. It became my big goal to get through it without any drama.