Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Update:

The W and kids and I had a very nice holiday weekend. We went out of town to get away from extended families and just be our little family. This was the first trip like this we had done on a holiday, and it was great. The W and I bonded more over the weekend. She said she is happy and excited for the holidays for the first time in a number of years.

We have had talks with each other about moving in together. I asked her what was different now and she gave me a look that I would describe as her saying "are you serious?" I know what I felt was different and it was good to hear her say what she felt was different between us now than a year or even a month ago. To be honest I see a significant change in her over the past month.

I asked why she felt the need to file a month ago and she said her reflecting on our marriage with the "fondness exercise" caused her a lot of pain. She said she felt forced into the pain by me and needed to get away from it. She said that we would have continued on with working on us slowly and she would not have filed if we did not try the exercise.

When talking about this situation before in this latest attempt to repair the M I said that she needed to talk to me more about her feelings. It seemed that when she is stressed and overwhelmed she bottles things up. I told her we need to talk when she feels this way so I can understand how she feels and why and we can use it as a chance to further connect.

She said the biggest thing that changed her feelings was when she was sick and I was taking care of her. She said she realized that she can rely on my to help, take care of her, the house, etc. I said I had done this in the past, but she said it was different this time. In reflection I saw that I was not being selfish and I was helping her in any way I could. I left work early and drove across town to pick our oldest up from the bus stop so she wouldn't have to walk outside to pick him up in the cold while she was in significant pain. She said she sees now she can rely on me if needed. I see it as her seeing that she is vulnerable at times and she does need help, but now she feels she can rely on me.

We have not had all good days, this is life with two young kids after all. What I am now doing is not taking her stress personally and feeling responsible and hurt by it. I make faces at her an laugh and do things to stop the escalation of stress. Before I would cower and hide and feel responsible for her stress or bad mood, like I had done something wrong. She has also acknowledged her stress and has apologized in instances where she has been short with me. I told her thank you, etc, cheering on the good behavior.

We have been moving forward with moving in together. We have a target list date of Dec. 15th. We are coming into a stressful two weeks as she has a lot of grading, homework, projects, and family things coming up. The difference is that now we both feel less stress than we have in years, which is great.

We are still learning about how to interact better and communicate better, but this makes me excited and happy because we had stopped doing this for quite some time before BD.

I am trying to keep my emotions under control, but this feels like we may be starting piecing as we are both working on the M.