Mozza (5)

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot Wonka. I really appreciate your thoughts. I feel a certain sense of withdrawal, now that there's much less to say about my sitch, yet I still think about it almost all the time.

I do feel better overall. Through my pain, I feel strangely optimistic. I realize that from the outside, my sitch must look like it's getting worse, but to me it's following the arc that I imagined at BD and the one that many successful reconciliations followed. I thought there was an OM to explain why W was in such a rush to leave (a repeat of 2009) and I think she found someone with whom it can't last (too little in common). Of course, it will start strong and they'll feel they're made for each other for a little while. Moving in together is going to normalize their love, according to the research I read. High expectations won't be met. Then she'll either settle with him nevertheless, rich of a new maturity, or realize that there are better options, including the new and improved Mozza.

Also, the more I read around here, the more I think that as much as I hurt my W and that I need to become a better man and H, I've much less to be forgiven for than some. It's doable. I give my couple a ridiculously high chance of reconciliation of 7/10 and I made the choice to be optimistic. It's a marathon.

It blows that your W is involved with OM. While in the initial stages of their A, the focus will be on each other. They will block out all other stuff around them...even you as the H.

That's why I'm puzzled by her random emails. Why would she try to make me laugh, to get my reaction, to send me useful stuff, if she's so involved with her OM? Where does she find the interest for me? One thing to note is that she's not from this country and her network has been reduced by 95% now that she left me. All she has left are her colleagues (20-something who go out together) and a couple of older friends. She was (is?) upset that my friends and family are not really contacting her.

I also have a good idea of what happened, what lead to BD. On my end, I was too critical of my W and she felt uncomfortable and undervalued around me. She voiced that several times to me and I failed to change. As for her, she openly dreams of everlasting romantic love that the daily grind can't deliver. My analysis isn't over, but it has matured in the last couple of months and I feel less urge to explore the reasons, the causes of my S.

Then you can do 180s on them when you interact with W. Speak softly and look W in the eye. Try to be supportive of her when appropriate such as boosting her (i.e., she gives a presentation..just say "I know you'll knock it out of the park! You're very good at this."). Be sincere when you do this. When it veers into OM territory, look past the OM and don't even acknowledge him. I never did until recently with Ms. Wonka. Grrrrrr...fingernails on a chalkboard!

That's encouraging because that's what I've been doing. When she initiates, I'm supportive. I even check my sense of humor to make sure it never diminishes her (I'm self-deprecating and it can extend to others...). She's in a "girl power" phase and is very assertive. She's in charge and doesn't give an inch. I accept that and never get in the way. In fact, I'm happy about that and would have welcomed it in our R. It also seems to be very typical of WAWs, from what I read around here, especially as she felt she was walking on eggshells around me. Really, if she wants to justify her departure on my behavior, she has to rely on the past, because I haven't given her much to chew on since she left. In fact, she seems to be enthusiastic about our contacts, even calling my parents to tell her how well we get along. My fear: she thinks this is evidence we're fantastic co-parents and not meant to be in a couple.

I have never acknowledged the OM, apart from two exceptions. When she announced their R by email, I replied simply "Thanks for telling me." Also, before being the offical OM, he came to help her move her remaining stuff. I said "Hi", walked past him and didn't talk to him for the rest of the hour. I noticed she's also careful never to mention him and they don't seem to have appeared together on social networks.

Do you know what W's possible LL are? Most of the time our LL are in pairs. Mine are QT and PT. What I mean by this is that when I receive them--QT & PT, my love tank is very full. There's a difference in giving and receiving LLs.

Yes, I read T5LL and it's clear to me that her principal receiving LL is Words of Affirmation. I now recall the many times she told me "You need to TELL me X". She'd sit on my lap and ask "Do you love me?" and I'd dismiss her with a quick "Of course". Her second receiving LL would be physical touch. We had desire and frequent sex until the end, but mostly she's the kind of girl always seeking a hug. She'd tell me: "Why do you hug the kids and not me?" and I had no response (working on it with IC -- he thinks maybe I didn't love her after all?!). Her giving LLs were probably PT and Gifts, but it's less clear to me.

My principal receiving LL is Quality Time. Sometimes I need complete and undivided attention, which she would rarely give me towards the end, leading to arguments, in part because I didn't realize I'm special in that regard. As for the LL I give, I believe it's Acts of Service: I'm a very involved father (50% of childcare, cooking, cleaning...), I give her the freedom to go out, including holidays alone, I'd spend much time helping her find a job, etc.

As you can probably tell, we spoke of love past each other a lot...