Inside my chrysalis 9

[Card29]

I just don't know. I don't want to push him away by acknowledging the day to him... ::sigh::

Not loving this part.

I'm noticing a trend with my mindset.

I get low, sad and resentful. I slowly work my way up to a PMA, feel strong and secure. Feel good, like I will survive no matter what happens. Then I start to believe H would be a complete fool to divorce me and begin to assume he's coming home and daydream accordingly.

I live like this for a few weeks... Then I get tiny little signs (or I over think these signs) from H that indicates he's not doing the work and is never coming back to me, that he's rolling around in his anger, unable to work through it, etc., and is feeling like the only way to find relief from all that is to divorce me.

Then I think about that, remind myself that 'I'm already dead', try to find my PMA despite what I feel my fate to be and it's inevitable that I get low again.

Rinse and repeat.

Ugh.

Let's break that down:

Stage 1: Sad, resentful

Stage 2: Slow build up to PMA

Stage 3: Healthy PMA (including believing that WAH is a fool to file)

Stage 4: PMA + Mindreading/assuming/daydreaming

Stage 5: You notice cracks in your dream

Stage 6: Crash to Stage 1


This doesn't have to be a cycle! You can stay in Stage 3. You just have to figure out exactly what sends you to Stage 4 (mindreading, assuming and daydreaming would presumably play a large part), and develop your skills of noticing those behavior as soon as you start to go there and develop ways to avoid them. I will say that I don't think daydreaming is necessarily unhealthy as long as it is kept in check with an equal dose of reality (Stockdale Paradox).

- Thought dodge! "No thank you, I'd like to spend my beautiful mind energy on a more worthy subject :)"

- Reverse thought. "He will come back someday!" --> "He's not coming back." Careful with that one...only use if it keeps you in PMA, not if it will send you to Stage 5.

- Stockdale Paradox. "He will come back someday, but right now he has no interest in it and has lots of work to do on himself, which he's not doing." I know that is similar to the thoughts you're already having, but you're not thinking them simultaneously. You're focusing on the positive, hopeful side for a while, then the reality sets in like an avil falling on your head. Be positive and realistic at the same time.