I just don't know. I don't want to push him away by acknowledging the day to him... ::sigh::
Not loving this part.
I'm noticing a trend with my mindset.
I get low, sad and resentful. I slowly work my way up to a PMA, feel strong and secure. Feel good, like I will survive no matter what happens. Then I start to believe H would be a complete fool to divorce me and begin to assume he's coming home and daydream accordingly.
I live like this for a few weeks... Then I get tiny little signs (or I over think these signs) from H that indicates he's not doing the work and is never coming back to me, that he's rolling around in his anger, unable to work through it, etc., and is feeling like the only way to find relief from all that is to divorce me.
Then I think about that, remind myself that 'I'm already dead', try to find my PMA despite what I feel my fate to be and it's inevitable that I get low again.
Rinse and repeat.
Ugh.
Btw, Christmas carols alone in the car and then coming home to a completely empty house during the holidays? Not fun. Not fun at all.
I totally hear you about the roller coaster cycle of emotions. It's so hard to totally let go and have no expectations at all. . Ever.
I just try to remind myself that this healing and growth process is not linear. .. You have come such a long way. It's totally normal to still feel sad and angry. Let yourself have those feelings (don't beat yourself up over them)...And then keep moving forward.
I get low, sad and resentful. I slowly work my way up to a PMA, feel strong and secure. Feel good, like I will survive no matter what happens. Then I start to believe H would be a complete fool to divorce me and begin to assume he's coming home and daydream accordingly.
^^^Exactly^^^ PMA -> expect positive outcome, NMA -> expect not to reconcile. I'm not bouncing between these extremes as much as I used to but trying to disentangle PMA from expectations of a positive outcome is really tricky!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you for that.
Woke up sad this morning. The holidays are brutal. I haven't even broached the subject of a Christmas tree, cookies, decorating the house, the elf on the shelf, hanukkah, etc., with H because it's all just a glaring expression of our situation.
Our anniversary is Saturday. 13 years. Ironic?
I think I'm deciding no anniversary card. We have a child's birthday party to attend that day and I'll just slap on my fake-it-till-you-make it PMA, look amazing (bought new make up, thank you Sephora sale), smell amazing and have a great time. I'll come home and wallow... Or maybe get a pedicure with an extra long foot rub, then wallow.
I'm finding the direction of my thoughts very interesting lately. As I was sitting in the car this morning I was thinking about all this pain and it popped into my head to just file for divorce. To just avoid all this slow torture by just pulling the big trigger. I don't want a divorce but I also don't want a marriage with the same man I was married to before.
I can only have hope that he'll do the work but have no expectations, which implies no hope. Hope is not a plan and I want a plan but I can't have a plan because I can't control everything.
I hear you and as you know I'm in a similar place.
But...something struck me about what you wrote.. you can have a plan for you, can't you? You can't control him but you can control you.
What if (and I'm talking to myself here too) you plan to sit tight until X date, and then rethink whether you want to file or continue.
What if you plan some other stuff that is in your control...What would that be?
I've been avoiding all talk of holiday planning too. It.feels so hard to be around intact families this time of year and I.don't know any D mom's who will be around. It feels like everyone is traveling with their family to see their family. And those of us solo are just left out.
Maybe I should just take my D on a vacation alone. That just feels scary and difficult to me.
Yeah the Holidays are brutal... amazing how we think we are doing as well as one could given the circumstances then you see/hear a Holiday _____________ and Whammo time warp into a happly place and its like it mocks you with a neener neener neener and you just want to curl up into a ball and wait for Hurricane Holiday to pass over your house. I decided to board up my windows and toss out my middle finger banner and just go about my business making fun memories with S ... its all we can really do.
As far as the Anniversary ... its an awkward moment at best. All I did was during our hostage exchange smiled .. she looked at the ground .. I said "For what its worth happy Anniversary" more just to show I did remember the day ... sure I was 2 days off ... damn my memory ... in my defense I always looke at the invitation we had hanging in the hallway .. well she took that down and packed it up when she left so I had no way of knowing .. 17th or 19th .. just could not recall .... I can laugh about it now ... even if I am the only one who finds the humor in it.
As far as what you should do ... what would the strongest coolest chick you know do ? Do that. Be her. You got this.
I was having a good day yesterday. Decided to buy a fake Christmas tree "just for this year". I was all F yeah - PMA! Imma decorate and enjoy the holidays.
And a few hours later, the damn tree, in its box is sitting there. Mocking me (ok, it's not really mocking me -- but you know). It's a slap in the face. And then the PMA was out the window. So, I empathize completely.
Hope is a four letter word. I struggle with that alot. And it sounds like you might be as well. We cannot control everything, and that's the hardest part.
Something my IC and friends have said to me is that we have to know when it's time. When the pain is too much to bear and to start the process of moving forward. Whatever that path may take us. Whatever that path may look like.
Sending you positive vibes for clarity and PMA.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I just don't know. I don't want to push him away by acknowledging the day to him... ::sigh::
Not loving this part.
I'm noticing a trend with my mindset.
I get low, sad and resentful. I slowly work my way up to a PMA, feel strong and secure. Feel good, like I will survive no matter what happens. Then I start to believe H would be a complete fool to divorce me and begin to assume he's coming home and daydream accordingly.
I live like this for a few weeks... Then I get tiny little signs (or I over think these signs) from H that indicates he's not doing the work and is never coming back to me, that he's rolling around in his anger, unable to work through it, etc., and is feeling like the only way to find relief from all that is to divorce me.
Then I think about that, remind myself that 'I'm already dead', try to find my PMA despite what I feel my fate to be and it's inevitable that I get low again.
Rinse and repeat.
Ugh.
Let's break that down:
Stage 1: Sad, resentful
Stage 2: Slow build up to PMA
Stage 3: Healthy PMA (including believing that WAH is a fool to file)
Stage 4: PMA + Mindreading/assuming/daydreaming
Stage 5: You notice cracks in your dream
Stage 6: Crash to Stage 1
This doesn't have to be a cycle! You can stay in Stage 3. You just have to figure out exactly what sends you to Stage 4 (mindreading, assuming and daydreaming would presumably play a large part), and develop your skills of noticing those behavior as soon as you start to go there and develop ways to avoid them. I will say that I don't think daydreaming is necessarily unhealthy as long as it is kept in check with an equal dose of reality (Stockdale Paradox).
- Thought dodge! "No thank you, I'd like to spend my beautiful mind energy on a more worthy subject :)"
- Reverse thought. "He will come back someday!" --> "He's not coming back." Careful with that one...only use if it keeps you in PMA, not if it will send you to Stage 5.
- Stockdale Paradox. "He will come back someday, but right now he has no interest in it and has lots of work to do on himself, which he's not doing." I know that is similar to the thoughts you're already having, but you're not thinking them simultaneously. You're focusing on the positive, hopeful side for a while, then the reality sets in like an avil falling on your head. Be positive and realistic at the same time.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Btw, Christmas carols alone in the car and then coming home to a completely empty house during the holidays? Not fun. Not fun at all.
I understand completely. Does D7 like Christmas music? What about hosting a Christmas party for her and her friends? Maybe that's too much work and energy for you, but it could give you and your space some good vibes.
I remember you saying that you weren't listening to any music because it reminds you of listening with WAH, analyzing the music, etc. Is that still true, or have you found music more palatable lately?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Wow, you guys, thanks for stopping by and commiserating with me and lifting me up, too.
Claire, I can have a plan for just me, yes, but I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, you know? I guess I need to move on beyond that holding pattern. Sometimes I'm good about moving on beyond that holding pattern and other times it's like I forget how to do that and slip back into the comfort of wallowing.
Why is wallowing comfortable? That's strange. Huh.
It is a lot of work to pack up the kid and vacation even if it is meant to lift your spirits. During the holidays, it's a lot of work to do anything.
Hang in there, Claire. I think of you often.
Caliguy, lol @ Hurricane Holiday. Well phrased. I gotta say, remembering the exact date of your anniversary for reals sounds like a great 180 opportunity. What is it? Tell me the exact date.
To answer your question, the strongest cool chick I know wouldn't be in this predicament but for arguments sake, she'd take everything in stride and act with grace and smiles that were genuine. I can do that for sure. I'm a pretty strong/cool chick... I just have to remember that. That's Cali!
Calibri, the way you phrased all that had me chuckling... Up until the tree was mocking you... I totally get it. Yeah, I hear you, sister.
I know I'm not ready to fold but I do wonder if I'm holding on to false hope but then again how do I know. He gives me no signs.
Card, thanks for breaking down my stages. Are they similar to yours? Yes, you nailed it. It's a lot of work to stay in a Stage 3 though. And it feels like I slip out of it without even knowing. Like I'll go to bed in Stage 3 and wake up in stage 4. Stage 4 is easy to be in, you know? Until Stage 5 comes along. Oy.
I'd like to think I can maintain and control my own thoughts... Guess I just need to try harder.
D does like Christmas music, yes. She had awesome taste in music. A Christmas party really isn't in the cards this year. The calendar is just so full already that it's just impossible, but I do want to add in some couch snuggle-under-a-blanket time with her while watching silly holiday movies. Gotta fit that in.
I am listening to music again. Music I like that H used to not like. He can't turn his producer mind off and I used to hear all the time how horrible a song was that I sort of liked. Well now I get to listen to it all the way through.
