It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you for that.
Woke up sad this morning. The holidays are brutal. I haven't even broached the subject of a Christmas tree, cookies, decorating the house, the elf on the shelf, hanukkah, etc., with H because it's all just a glaring expression of our situation.
Our anniversary is Saturday. 13 years. Ironic?
I think I'm deciding no anniversary card. We have a child's birthday party to attend that day and I'll just slap on my fake-it-till-you-make it PMA, look amazing (bought new make up, thank you Sephora sale), smell amazing and have a great time. I'll come home and wallow... Or maybe get a pedicure with an extra long foot rub, then wallow.
I'm finding the direction of my thoughts very interesting lately. As I was sitting in the car this morning I was thinking about all this pain and it popped into my head to just file for divorce. To just avoid all this slow torture by just pulling the big trigger. I don't want a divorce but I also don't want a marriage with the same man I was married to before.
I can only have hope that he'll do the work but have no expectations, which implies no hope. Hope is not a plan and I want a plan but I can't have a plan because I can't control everything.
