I seem to do ok when I have little to no contact. But today, when he offered a suggestion about dividing up D's birthday weekend, and xmas break, my heart starts beating fast and it reminds me how much I hate this and how much I hate the thought of having to negotiate this stuff every freaking holiday for the next 15 years.
And I guess these feelings are because I haven't accepted this permanent reality yet. Still. Grrr.
I often don't trust my instincts: I wanted to set in our parents agreement that I would always have D on the night before her birthday, so she would wake up in my home on her birthday. She was born in the middle of the night.
This year, I happen to have a conflict with a friend's 40th birthday, so it would be convenient for me to agree to H's request to switch, but then I would give up this idea of waking up with her on her birthday. Why am I fixated? Why do I get so frustrated when he asks to make a change (yet again), and feel like I am an irrational b!tch for not wanting to agree to every change?
Bonk me on the head please. I need my PMA back. Still not sleeping enough and that makes all of this so much harder. :-(
