Really too late....

[lost18]

Continuing to struggle emotionally. The twisted stomach, something I haven't felt in a while has been back the past few days. Not sure why, nothing has really changed.

I have been giving some thought to what happened the other night when he was on the lanai texting. I did not do a good job of "acting as if." I assumed because of the way he acted that he was texting OW. I realize that there is a very good chance that he was, however, there is a possibility that he wasn't. If it's 8pm here, it's 1am where suspected OW is. So...it is possible that he doesn't text her in the evenings. The other reason he could have been upset is because he felt like I was watching him (which sadly I was.) Or maybe he was just tired and ready to go lay down.

So after I thought about that the past few days, yesterday I got home from work and he was in a "good mood." I automatically started thinking that he was able to get some internet face time with OW because he had time alone all day. I have got to try to change my thinking.

There has been a lot of talk on the boards about exposure. In my situation I know exposing, especially without proof, my H to his family would not have a positive outcome. I have considered contacting OW, just to say hey, you know he's married with children. But, as I wrote that I know that would not have a positive outcome with H, it may drive him out the door very quickly.

I guess maybe my H is right, maybe I'm more negative than I want to admit. Instead of looking at the positives in my situation, I have been focusing on the negatives.

Positives
He's home, in our home
we are getting along
he has not told the girls
he has not filed for divorce
we are having dinner as a family
we do things together
he has set up some of his things around the house
he seems to be comfortable in his family home with his family
he does show some concern when I'm not feeling well

negatives
he is sleeping in the other room
no physical contact
most talks about future are just him
he is very protective of his phone, with him at all times
he keeps money separate

My working on myself takes hits with my emotions.
I am continuing to see IC and taking AD's as I have been.
Running with my friend a couple times a week (we slacked a bit but are back at it).
Continue to do things around the house to keep it clean (big issue in our marriage)
I filled out a volunteer application for Habitat for Humanity, looking forward to volunteering.
Continue to work and apply for jobs (could do better here)

I think if I focus on one thing to improve on it is going to be more exercise, I need to start working out more. I need to lose some weight, unfortunately the BD diet did not work this time around.