Hi Calibri, It's very hard to deal with all the stuff you need to. I have been learning all the stages of my pain. And, I did start to accept that this is what happen to most human beings, we navigate the pain with different emotions time to time.
I was reading your posts and don't remember reading about your work or his work. If he works, how is he coping with the day by day reality?
And since he is still sorting out his meds, and hopefully he is seeing the right doctor to prescribe them, there is any danger of suicide or just that he will hurt himself in any way?
If you are confident he is not at that point of depression that will harm himself, then you need to step back and make yourself whole. Maybe if you are strong and can manage to show him confidence in your self, maybe he will be leaning to your side in a way to get himself back to who he wants to be.
When reading DB and DR I remember reading that it seems unfair that we need to do the heavy lift right now for the R, and then Michele writes that yes it seems unfair but you are here and you are determined to get the R back on track, so prepare yourself for the hard work.
I see you are trying your best, and you feel crappy time to time, but try do not bit yourself up. None of what you say from your childhood problems are your fault. Someone else did this, you had no control of what people did to you, you may have control now on how do deal with all the pain you carry inside, maybe you want to work with your IC about forgiven the people that hurt you in the past. At first, it feels like betraying yourself, then with time, you feel a giant weight to be lift from your shoulders, you start seeing life in a different way.
I was reading an article that was explaining about some studies on human behavior change and it mention that it is the most difficult thing for human beings to do: LET GO!
We hold on to every emotion and become slaves of our own feelings... maybe you can check with your IC about techniques you can use to Let Go all this pain you carry inside. And, you may have a better chance for H to return. He is already noticing your changes, work on yourself and be the best woman you can be and the one only a fool would leave.
There will be days for tears, but don't beat yourself. Try to see yourself as part of nature... there are sunny days, but once in a while it rains, like the sky needs to cry.
I know you can do it, you are in the right track. It was hard for me at first, but I have been learning to be gentle with myself, and that I don't need to be tough all the time.
LOVE YOURSELF... and everyone else will love you too.
