New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[25yearsmlc]

Just so I know, have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book(s)? Do read them!
They are crucial to this process so don't skimp, please. Plus you will get SO MUCH MORE out of this site when you grasp the jargon/concepts we use, which is in the books.

25,

By the way, I appreciate your perspective and you being straightforward with me. I can readily admit that I have made quite a few mistakes in my marriage (and am happy to lay them bare on this forum). I would love to be able to make amends to her in person and that desire is what claws at my heart the most. As I mentioned above, I did mail her a heartfelt letter a few weeks ago, but got no reply.

Unless you believe you sent it to the wrong address, you know she got it and you have no control over what she did with it or what she believed about it. So, let that go. Seriously, learning to let go of what you cannot control, is KEY to this.
It's amazing how much time we spend/waste on things we Cannot control.

Plus, trying to control her, now, is a really bad idea.
The letter had words in it, not actions. I know, I know, what can you DO in front of her if there is no contact? You can be super patient & work on your issues while you have this gift of time.

I hope you took in what I wrote. If she felt humiliated in front of her kids, that's a bigger deal than you may realize. And please trust me --- if you raised your voice at her (AND OR the kids), along with the cursing, trust me when I tell you that she was humiliated. That can do something to a woman who has already survived a bad marriage and divorce.

Btw, for what it's worth, the person who is calmest in an argument is the person with the power, NOT the person out of control. I wish men realized that more (and some women). They think escalation is advantageous b/c sometimes they get their way, in the short run. But they really don't get a pay off in the long run.

Which I guess you see now.


Part of me thinks I need to give it more time; part of me acknowledges that i have no control over her thoughts and actions; and part of me is in too much pain to see things very rationally. But the bottom line is that I feel deep remorse and deep love towards her. The work I have been doing to open up and work on my anger has been changing me. I just don't want it to be too late to save my marriage!

I appreciate you all letting me vent and for your thoughtful replies.

How are YOUR Kids handling all this? Were they there when you had the blow out? How are they doing now, and do they miss her kids? It seems that step siblings should not be moved about00 close to, or far from b/c of the parents' r. Not that you wanted that, but it's just something I feel bad about, on top of the rest of your situation...

Anyhow, I am tempted to suggest ways to reach her via the kids (yours telling hers that you have done a lot of work on yourself and that you are a changed/improved man, etc).

But 2 things give me pause. First, you need to work on your stuff a lot more than you need to work on getting her back. Besides, getting her back won't last anyhow, if you don't also do YOUR work. The focus needs to be on making sure you are TOTALLY prepared for a chance at a stressful situation in which you do NOT lose it.

Do you have positive role models for that? Most of know what NOT to do, but when things get hard, we revert to our learned habits...a dear friend of mine, "DG", is a truly great dad and husband, but his own father did a poor job at both. (In fact, his dad ended his own life after his 3rd wife left him.) Yet DG broke the cycle.

How? DG hung around his pastor like you are, and he sought out time with his father in law (a great role model for handling stress without anger). DG is proof that it CAN be done. But yeah, he once told me that he needed some new role models after his dad's suicide, and so, he sought them out and got them. And now his son is married and is calm, loving, strong. All because of DG's work, done despite his own grief about his dad.

I don't know a thing about your family life or history or why your first marriage ended. But I do know people can change. Whether it's in time to stop the divorce, I can't say. But I can say that a divorce is merely a piece of paper. You can reconnect and even date and yes, remarry after a divorce. I have 2 family members who remarried after a divorce.

So it happens.


How is YOUR OWN WORK going now? Is your 12 step program about anger? And are you GAL? We hammer it here for one huge reason: it works.

Hang in there and if you have a specific interaction then maybe we can help you more.