I have recently seen more baby steps in my sitch and thus have joined piecing. My patience, consistency, and unconditional love have sprouted the seeds I had planted long ago and I need to continue these efforts before I can expect any fruits for my labor.
About Us
Me 33 Her 32 M 2 yrs R 6 yrs S 4 months Bomb 5 months
I was the cold and distant one, emotionally unavailable, would try to convince her of my views when she tried to talk to me about her feelings. I acted like a control freak, had to have my way. I was insensitive to her feelings. I wasn't always this way, but became this way. I am no longer this way, now I am the fantastic H that W fell in love with.
She has unworthiness of love issues, disrespect issues, and abandonment issues. She has a tough time communicating because of fear of rejection. She will go fishing with little bait and expect me to see it and bite. I need to get better at recognizing the bait no matter how small and be open. Her initial response to all things when she feels threatened is to rebel, run away, or say no.
Recent Events
Unlike most people here, I never did any of the initial begging, pleading, or ILYs right after the bomb. Looking back, this is PRECISELY what I should've done considering this would have been a HUGE 180 for me at that point. After a couple of heartfelt and teary apologies and admitting what I did wrong, I stopped inititating all contact.
Initially she drew closer, but then drifted further away. She felt my going dark was more of the same and I didn't love her. She found an OM, someone she used to work with. She continues to say she doesn't love OM, they are just friends, haging out and having fun out of convience and it is comforting for her.
Since January, I have pursued more. This is how we began our relationship and how we fell in love. I was the classic romantic and did a lot of things for her. So I started doing more of these things. Occaisonal flowers and cards when she told me she was emotionally frail. Supporting her new business, actively helping her increase revenue, marketing, networking, streamlining expenses.
Of course my actions were initially met with skeptcisim and daggers thrown my way. After a few weeks, W talks more openly with me now. She throws less daggers, she is more available to talk on the phone, she is not as rushed on the phone, and she reveals feelings she has. She cries all the time when we are talking about OR.
We had a big OR talk when she brought over papers and wanted me to review them with her. At that point I validated and said how difficult it must have been to make this decision, how I can understand she thinks I wouldn't change, how sorry I was I hurt her and how sorry I was she feels this is the only solution. I told her ILY and also asked her to talk with her parents and family openly about this and not just defend her position. She said she would, sounded sincere, and we hugged for a long time.
Before she had a chance to call me back, I sent her five dozen roses on Valentine's Day, each with a card. This was overwhelming to her. Initially she sounded ok, then she sounded really sad, then she cried and said I shouldn't call her for a few days, and she wrote me a letter.
The letter revealed many of her feelings she hasn't revealed before. She is broken hearted, overwhelmed, she doesn't feel pain for us anymore (this actually might be a good thing), then she says she is sickened with sadness (I'm guessing because of the guilt she feels for doing this).
Since then, we have had one good conversations with no daggers and no ice wall, and one with daggers and more of an ice wall.
My next steps are to meet with her to validate her feelings from the letter. I am going to suggest a different venue, maybe walking the dog and talking during and afterwards. Every discussion we've had about OR has been at the house, and I think switching it up would be good. I don't plan on doing anything but validating at that point. Just understanding her feelings and trying to draw her out more by being gentle and kind.
