Jim0987 #6 - starting a bit of a rebuild

[jim0987]

I think its that kind of stuff that has meant its come up. I really dont know what to feel/do about it. Here in the UK it says to go to your GP but i have no confidence as to whether i'll be taken seriously.

I can probably get to 100 if I make it a list of things about me that make me me. The issue at the moment is that its stuff that i dont like, which is ridiculous because some of the things I love most about my wife other people (includng her) might see as flaws - it stands to reason then that there are things that i dont like about me which may be the very things other people find endearing and so its a matter of changing my perspective - just thinking out loud i guess.

OK so i started writing triggers and ended up just writing a list of things that hurt me, upset me and generally negatively affect me emotionally. It got quite a big list. I've culled it back down to what i think are the little hooks and triggers that pull me into a conversation.

- Half asked questions that leave me hanging
- Dressing up and making an effort for OM
- her continued dishonesty
- anytime she says she tried to make it work between us
- the expectation that i will just go along with her line about what to say to the kids because 'its best for the kids'
- casual references to the divorce mid conversation like its a good thing
- 'Dont blame me'
- christmas
- when she seems worried or anxious about something to do with what is happening (divorce, my plans with the kids, my GAL activities)
- if she talks to me like im a child.
- several of her expressions also act as triggers, particularly the condescending smug expression if i make a mistake on anything or if i do something that validates her decision to leave. example below

She knows i'm still going to IC and she seems to have taken that as validation that it was all because im too messed up (she has said this or more specifically she said that 'she knew it when we got together which is why she didnt want to be with me at first but that she decided it was surmoountable and worth the risk, it turns out it wasnt surmountable). whenever i have an appointment that she knows about the smug expression makes an appearance.

unrelated to this, i just (as i was typing) realised another opportunity to show growth that i missed. W was trying to say that she was pleased D3s behaviour has improved from the problems we were having in the month or so after BD. it has and i should have jsut validated but instead i started talking about the things i had done with her that seemed to be working for me. however given what i know from before she likely would have taken this as me trying to say im the better parent.