A list of 100 may take me a while. I made a list of 20 a couple of threads ago and that took me about 3 days so 100 will take a while unless i just list lots of different meals i can cook.
Ive ordered some more reading as recommend by GoatGal and see what that says. I've also spend the last little bit doing lots of reading online and a fair few self-diagnosis tests.
I come out on the lowest end borderline on the majority of stuff however there are a couple of big exceptions to that and that is i seem to have a 10/10 score for attachment problems (over attach) and my empathy quotient came out as very low (avarage for general population males is 35, aspergers is 20 and mine was 14). Its just internet diagnosis and so i'm sure i could find a quiz that says i've currently got plague so not to be taken too seriously but this is feeling more and more like it could be something that i really need to take seriously.
in terms of my self improvement i'm not sure how this changes things. After all my introspection my core issues seem to be exactly what they were at the start of this and what my W has actually been saying for a long while.
- I make everything (EVERYTHING) about me. if someone is upset its because I upset them. if its gone wrong i will get blamed. if they disagree its because they dont like me. If they arent paying enough attention to me then i'm hurt because they are rejecting me. when someone needs me to help them i'm too busy feeling guilt and defensive over how it must be my fault to properly help and support them
- Im incredibly socially awkward. cant do the social hugging thing at all - weirds me out. but i love to be physically close to my W. I dont really get the rules of when to join in and what is safe ground to talk about or when to stop. I push my point too far and too hard and find it very difficult to tell when i've moved from friendly banter/debate to aggressive and hurtful.
- I let my fear of rejection control me too much and it makes me very avoidant. it stops me talking to people and makes normal day to day things like making a phonecall or sending an email an anxious and difficult experience. I avoid all sorts of things and procrastinate because then i cant be wrong/rejected/thought badly of.
- My negative opinion of myself dominates my thinking and also allows other people to manipulate me through guilt and shame. it only takes the slightest nudge. Its very self destructive especially when combined with the other stuff it means that when someone hurts me i feel i deserve it.
- mature and approariate emotional responses take me a lot of time and are easily derailed. it makes expressing empathy in the correct way when its needed very hard and can make me seem uncaring and lacking compassion.
Key triggers for me on some of my worst behaviours - Feeling my opinion has been discounted (rather than disagreed with) - Being made to wait unnecessarily - being ignored - direct criticism - when i make obvious mistakes and it gets pointed out
I'll give all of this some more thought and see if i can work out whether there is other steps i need to take
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
