DB, You sounded so positive in this message; I just wanted to write and say good for you! I think you are in a good place.
Listen, your wife has lots of wounds to heal. You simply can't imagine what being unable to turn her man on does to a woman. It's really a soul killer. I know that it's a similar feeling with a man, but I would say that it's not quite so devastating because, as men, you are conditioned from early on to EXPECT that your woman will not want sex and that you will have to cajole her and pressure her. When the tables are turned and it's the woman in that seat, we internalize everything and assume that the problem lies with us. The self loathing that occurs gets too much to bear and so that loathing is unloaded on the nearest living object, namely our husbands! So we feel that if this person has caused us to hate ourselves (which you did NOT, this is an irrational thing I'm talkin about here..) then we will hate that person in turn.
I say all this not to excuse her behavior, but to illuminate it a little bit. You are 100% correct in saying that she has a choice of making a future with you or living in the past. Right now the past feels safer to her because she KNOWS what that consists of. She is just so scared to trust in you and believe that you two have what it takes to forge a successful relationship. But you are doing a damn fine job of being so alluring that she is intrigued and wants to know more. Keep it up!
Regarding her being able to be sexually open around you...well, I think this is an opportunity for you to dialogue with her the way that you did with me yesterday. What she is saying to you is that when she did things like parade around naked she was trying to get you aroused so that you would initiate. When this didn't happen, she would shut down and think that she had nothing to offer you. She was BEING her natural sexual self and it didn't interest you. That's why she thinks that! Because she is partially right!!
However, as you pointed out to me yesterday, just because her triggers aren't YOUR triggers doesn't mean that one or the other of you is wrong. It just means that you will both have to make a concerted effort to talk in the others' Sex Language (hey I think I should write a book on that...I know at least one sucker would buy it, right ATLDave?!?).
What about telling her that? That you have completely different triggers than her, but it doesn't mean that you are not turned on by her, just that you're turned on by different things. So it's not the "typical" guy things; as you said, that's what attracted her to you in the first place. Once you have in place what turns the other one on, then you can go from there. Right now, she is operating on the premise that NOTHING she does makes you lust after her. So agreeing to a future with you would seem pretty bleak to her. But if you told her, "These are the things I always wanted you to do, but I had an impossible time voicing that desire and I don't know why." I think she'd be so much more apt to want to give it a try, don't you? And I would be as honest as you can if the subject comes up about things like her walking around naked. Let her know that it just isn't a trigger for you--this will hurt her deeply (no woman like to be told "you know, hon, your naked body just doesn't arouse me in the way you wish it did") but she WILL get over the initial shock and hurt and be ready to move on to what DOES work.
