Need help to communicate with LD/ND spouse

[DBrookie]

You wrote that you are going to start being honest with her about what turns you on. Are you saying that you never told her that her words turned you on?

Yes and no. I know that for most of our relationship she was in control and I became VERY passive aggressive. The issue of sex was one of the worst issues. I would go into my "I'll do whatever you want just stop yelling at me about it" mode.

And yes...the negativity thing was HUGE for me. I'm a verbal person....so when you start off saying "Why don't you ever want to have sex" it's an arugment/passive aggressive/defensive thing from the start. And I'm sure in some ways I controlled sex from her because I wasn't getting what I wanted.

By having serious time apart, counseling, reading, seeing a sex therapist, and being here...I've really come out of my passive aggressive bomb shelter.

Recently, when I've been VERY honest with her I've gotten a response. She's ackowledged...that some of the things I've told her have hurt her (her controlling, my pa, etc) but that she's glad I've told her how I feel and that I'm being honest.

ALSO...she once told me a few weeks ago that even she doesn't think she honestly told me what she really wants. For some reason she has never been able to be as sexually open around me as she is around other people. She said that she thinks it's because she doesn't think I'm a very sexual person. WAAAAYYYY WRRRROOOONNNNG!!!!

But...I'm going to be assertive and honest here and start the dialogue. I look at it this way...she controlled lots of things for a long time...now I'm going to see what happens when I'm more expressive about the biggest issue we have.

Right now...I think she's essentially given up on the sex thing with me. She says she can't force herself to do something that she just doesn't feel like doing...but it's VERY clear that it's a feeling towards ME...not that she doesn't want to have sex period.

I figure what do I have to loose by being honest...and maybe that'll get her to come out of her shell. And I think I can do it in a way that's not hurtful...the key thing is that if she wants to live in the past, not the future. That won't make any of us heal our wounds....