Wife having emotional affair part 4

[PatientMan]

As far as me, I think I've come a long way. I don't get as angry as I use to, getting very good at controlling it. I am doing very good at handling all the things a husband should handle. Like insurance, housing, finances. I have made huge strides on relationship qualities. People are coming to me for advise. Father wise I was always a great dad. But I've really tried to be even better. By giving each kid personal time and finding each ones love language. There is two things I still struggle with close minded, like it's my way or no way. Also getting out and meeting new people and friends. I do do a ton of new stuff but connecting on a friend base is hard. I call all my friends all the time but it just seems like no one every calls me to do anything. Frustrating.

It really sounds like you are making progress on becoming the man you want and need to be. I applaud you for putting forth the effort in a difficult season of your life, but most importantly your recognition and willingness to look introspectively and respond.

PM if your talking about my negative comment. I was just saying she just isn't getting it that Christmas is going to be separate and two Santa's. It's like she doesn't want to believe it.

If I may be candid, what prompted my question was reading through your posts from November and comparing them to your posts back in July (when you started giving details of your sitch). In short, I don't see much of a difference with regards to how you emotionally react to your W. It seems you are very much still on her roller-coaster, and there is no better advice - still, as it was in July - to work to DETACH from her and get off of that roller-coaster.

I don't mean to rub your nose in that and hope you can take it as me trying to alert you to what I see based on what you post. Instead of me posting direct examples (I can if you would like), try reading back through your posts just from the month of November and do two things:

1) Compare them to your posts starting back in July and see if you can tell a difference in how you interact with W. You still seem to hang on her every word, her daily mood, her actions in general and specifically towards you.

You need to do the right things, be an honorable man, be a man only a fool would leave. What she does, how she is feeling, how she treats you DOES NOT MATTER IN HOW YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF. You are going to do what you need to do. You are going to lead your family forward, and she is welcome to join you if she likes.

On the contrary, what I read is that if you reach out and she rejects your invitation, then you are going to stop reaching out. But that only lasts until (I presume) she warms up to you; you then keep reaching out and going against what you have been advised to do and seem to intellectually accept as the "best" approach (based on your replies to said advice here in your thread).

Subsequently, she mistreats you in some way, whether that is further rejection or, now, the reemergence of the OM, and you are angry and "done" (and I understand you feeling that way).

The problem with this is that your actions are extremely dependent upon her actions. That is an emotionally weak posture to have in your relationship and a sign of emotional immaturity/insecurity/codependency. This should not be the case. The answer? DETACH! DETACH! DETACH!

Which brings me to my second question for you:

2) How many of sandi's 37 rules are you still not adhering to? Yes, you have made significant progress on some, but it appears you are still breaking many of them, yet you are flummoxed as to why your W is acting a certain way and you are still seemingly living day to day, moment to moment.

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I hope that if you are able to see this it may prompt you to further look introspectively at this particular relationship in your life and act accordingly. You are making good progress in some areas. Continue to put the work in and you will yield the results.

Lastly, I hope you don't see me as attacking you by throwing stones. I am being honest with you based on what I see in hopes it may shake you up to realize that you seem to be neglecting an extremely important aspect of recovering from this life event, healing in a healthy way, and moving forward in life as the man you want to be. I see your timeline. I have been in your shoes. Don't make the same mistakes I made. The longer you put off confronting your issues, the longer the healing process takes and the less of a chance you have to save or restore your M.

My humble $0.02.

-PM

P.S. Some notes I carried around in my wallet based upon information I gathered on this forum:

- Do not pursue
- Give her SPACE
- Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation
- Act "as if"
- Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times!
- She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket
- NEVER lose your cool
- Do not respond emotionally to anything
- Do not argue with her feelings
- Look her in the eyes and LISTEN
- Just be yourself
- NEVER give up
- Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R
- Be there for her no matter what
- Patient Endurance
- Be an honorable man
- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits.
- Being needy is not attractive
- Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours
- ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS
- You can only control YOUR actions
- The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is
- Do not temperature check the R
- Be a man only a fool would leave
- Regain her respect
- Build attraction
- Fulfill her emotional needs (when given the opportunity)
- Detaching is not withdrawing
- Tears may come from guilt and not true love
- Do not fuel her fire
- Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well!
- Keep the road paved home smooth
- Validate her feelings
- Happiness comes from within
- Anger is your enemy
- Made a mistake? Move on
- Show that your interested in her, but don't need her