Quote: I'm guessing that your the kind of guy that actually uses BOTH side of his brain, the creative as well as logical side of the brain. Most of us guys are stuck in one side of the brain.....and we really struggle to get to the creative, verbal side of the brain.
You would be correct. I'm a right-brain left-handed guy that does a lot of work on the creative side of my brain but I also have developed a good sense of logic. I didn't go to law school but I now work in a field where I have to be creative/logical...and I've taught about design and creativity. So yes...I'm a different animal.
Quote: Is it that your wife was not romantic enough for you? Have you ever tried to explain this to the wife?
Yes and no. My WAW would always say that she never had a problem having guys want her. But I guess those guys were not like me...and in a sense...that's why she choose me right?
I will take the blame for not explaining this...and it was something that I really discovered after seeing a sex therapist on my own. But I haven't really gotten a chance to talk much about it...WAW doesn't want to even talk about sex or our issues right now.
And in the past...it would have been very difficult to approach this because I didn't quite understand how I worked. And saying to my W..."Honey, you're naked body doesn't really do it for me but your voice does." That would have been a huge blow to her...and I can understand that.
I love my WAW's body. It's the sexiest thing on the planet and I'd take it over any supermodel or anyone else in the world. But it's not the spark on my ignition switch. It's the car that I love taking a ride in...but it's her voice/brain that starts the engine. Vrooommmm Vrooommm.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
DB, Oh man thank you for your honesty. This is the kind of stuff I crave from H but I have a hard time getting and an even harder time accepting without anger and/or tears.
I am not going to sugar coat this: Hearing that a naked woman doesn't do much for you (or him, by proxy) is a huge bummer for me. I mean, I can't even do it justice in words.
And that is because, while it does nothing for H, it DOES do something for me. He is missing out on the REAL ME by ignoring and/or being desensitized to it.
The lingerie...well, sometimes it is for me and sometimes it's for both of us. And again, that is because it is something that I want to share with him. I realize that it might be applying pressure to him, or whatever, but the fact remains that this is ME that I'm showing to him and if he rejects it, he is rejecting ME. There is no other way to put it. This is not something I do all the time, btw, I am talking maybe 3-4 times per year.
It is no different than if he decides to open his heart to me about some other topic. I have a choice--at that moment--to accept it with open arms and allow him to show his real self, or I can shut him down. And I have done both, lest I come off as a perfect wife! I'm not.....
My whole point is that I as the HD partner who obviously needs more in the sexual arena than he does, am very resentful of having to twist and turn myself all around so that HE feels the correct way and can find it in himself to ML to me. It seems as if I have to give up all the things that I enjoy about the sex process simply because they don't do it for him. And since sex is a two person process (well, normally, lol) you're right..there is no need to do things that don't work.
But I do believe that H has a responsibility to me, as his wife, to indulge this side of me from time to time. If he REALLY wants to be married to ME and he really loves ME as he says he does, then why on earth would he not want to?
And when I don't see this effort from him, is when things start to spiral down in the Honey House.
Incidentally, I should add that things are NOT down in the Honey House right now; they are quite good. But this post struck a nerve with me because it has been a long standing gripe of mine--that H is missing out on ME because he doesn't happen to get turned on by the same things as I do. So I contort myself to be what he responds to and then I feel cheated.
And don't even tell me to stop contorting myself! Who knows how little sex I'd end up with then...
Thanks again for posting this; it was very enlightening.
Now I need one final thing from ya, DB. Can you give me an example of what your WAW could have said to you to get you going? I am notoriously bad at drawing the line--the things I think are sexy, he thinks are crude. So can you help me out here? What would have been a surefire way to build that boat? (btw, that had me crackin up)
Maybe she was thinking you were the typical neanderthal male(like me) that gets turned on by a stiff breeze. She saw you like the other guys, as full of animal lust. Your just a little more refined, you actually wanted a little romance, and their are probably a bizillion women that would LOVE that. Have you tried to explaint that you needed romance a little more then the average guy. Have you explained that it was not her looks, it was the very essense of her soul that turned you on. Let her know that you were looking to romance her a little before the sex. But also, maybe she WANTS the animal lust to poke its head out once in a while, maybe she just wanted to be taken on occassion.
Quote: DB, Oh man thank you for your honesty. This is the kind of stuff I crave from H but I have a hard time getting and an even harder time accepting without anger and/or tears.
NO...thank you! You, HeavyHeart and Corrie have helped me to understand my WAW more than months of counseling and books. So I'll try and return the favor...
Quote: I am not going to sugar coat this: Hearing that a naked woman doesn't do much for you (or him, by proxy) is a huge bummer for me.
OK...It DOES do something for me but it's not the spark. It IS the spark now that I hardly get to see my WAW and rarely get to see her scantily clad. Hey...I got spoiled by a very hot woman being naked around me all the time.
Quote: He is missing out on the REAL ME by ignoring and/or being desensitized to it.
OK...I'm willing to bet that you had poor self-image and poor self-esteem issues BEFORE you met H, right? So there's some baggage her that is at work. But there's still somethings that you can do to help him out...
My best advice is to do in a way what my WAW did...take it away. STOP being nude around him as much...be more mysterious...and I KNOW he'll notice that CHANGE. Do a 180.
EXAMPLE: One night when my WAW did sleep over...and it was very rare...she usually had sweat pants on and a shirt...and she ALWAYS used to sleep in my boxer shorts and not much else. She got hot during the middle of the night and took off her sweat pants and all that was left was thong. That morning when I woke up I literally had to get up and take a COLD SHOWER because I thought I was going to explode from just looking at her body.
Quote: I realize that it might be applying pressure to him, or whatever, but the fact remains that this is ME that I'm showing to him and if he rejects it, he is rejecting ME.
I know that this is exactly how my WAW felt/feels. You took it personal...when the big obstacle is him...not you. He's the one missing out, right?
Quote: It seems as if I have to give up all the things that I enjoy about the sex process simply because they don't do it for him.
WRONG...give him what he wants then tell him what you want...then sit back and watch what happens.
EXAMPLE: When we were still having sex...if my W wanted to get her needs met she COULD have tried this. (screen gets all wavvvyyyy) I'm cooking dinner in the kitchen and she comes home from work. She yanks down my pants, drops to her knees, and goes to town. The moment I'm done releasing my jaws-of-life grip from the countertop, she gets up and whispers into my ear that later tonight she wants me to play bad cop and naughty speeder. I got what I wanted...and you can be damn sure she'll get what she wants. (screen gets all waaavvvyyyy again.)
Quote: If he REALLY wants to be married to ME and he really loves ME as he says he does, then why on earth would he not want to?
Where's the stick? Would you REALLY move out over this issue? If not and he knows it...then he's not going to change. Sometimes you need to threaten or actually make good on the threat to get someone to change.
Today...I actually emailed my WAW to thank her for moving out on me. I was proud of her because I knew it took courage. And it's made me a better person, a better husband, and if I get the chance a better lover.
Quote: But this post struck a nerve with me because it has been a long standing gripe of mine--that H is missing out on ME because he doesn't happen to get turned on by the same things as I do.
NEWS FLASH...your H is not your clone. Not all people or all men or all women get turned on by the same things. They make all kinds because there are all kinds. Find out what DOES turn him on...and give that to him. Then tell him what turns YOU on...and if he's a smart guy....he'll give it back to you.
Quote: Can you give me an example of what your WAW could have said to you to get you going? ..... So can you help me out here? What would have been a surefire way to build that boat?
Again...different things work for different people. But here's a list of POSITIVE phrases that would work for me...
- Honey, I know I said I wanted to go shopping today, but I'd much rather lie in bed all day and do some browsing. - I can tell you've been working out a lot at the gym. How about a little home gym workout later tonight? - When you _______ it makes me feel so good all over. - Surprise me one morning by getting in the shower with me to "save water" and get me clean in the hard to reach spots. - Take HIM shopping and pick out some clothes you think he would look great in...then give him some help and words of encouragement in the dressing room. - My friends at work were talking about the picture of you that's on my desk. They said how good looking you were and I got really turned on and wanted to come home and ML. - Curl up to me naked in bed...tell me you're sick with love...and need some medicine.
I could go on and on and on...but I'll risk blowing a gasket at work...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
Gawd, I was cracking up when I read that. Really good, DBR.
Quote: Honey, I know I said I wanted to go shopping today, but I'd much rather lie in bed all day and do some browsing. - I can tell you've been working out a lot at the gym. How about a little home gym workout later tonight? - When you _______ it makes me feel so good all over. - Surprise me one morning by getting in the shower with me to "save water" and get me clean in the hard to reach spots. - Take HIM shopping and pick out some clothes you think he would look great in...then give him some help and words of encouragement in the dressing room. - My friends at work were talking about the picture of you that's on my desk. They said how good looking you were and I got really turned on and wanted to come home and ML. - Curl up to me naked in bed...tell me you're sick with love...and need some medicine.
Oh Geeze. Where did you get those? From the "cheezy lines" hall of shame? From Penthouse Forum?
Still, I can't figure out why she would go to town after dropping to her knees. Do you live out in the country?
Hairdog, who sometimes is the only one in the room, laughing.
Quote: Oh Geeze. Where did you get those? From the "cheezy lines" hall of shame? From Penthouse Forum?
Hey...she asked what my WAW could have done for me. That's the way I tick...and I know now that it ain't like how most guys think...but I'm not most guys.
Here's the catch 22 I think my WAW got into: - Every guy up until then was the typical "visual" left-brain thinking guy. - She thought I was like all guys, but I wasn't.
(Now...she also got hurt by all those guys...which is why she wanted to be with me because I was different...she just didn't think that extended to the bedroom, sofa, car, movie theatre, etc.)
And I don't think she knew how to deal with me being different...and here's the key thing....she kept trying the same stuff over and over again. Granted....I kept giving her the same passive aggressive responses...and I had my own hang ups. So it DID take two to tango...or better yet...not tango.
I'm a pretty sexual person when I'm not being treated like I've committed a host of crimes that I've NEVER done with anyone on the past. And part of that means not just being a slobbering "look at those boobies" kind of guy. She never wanted that kind of guy anyhow...but she didn't realize what did make me tick.
And to take some of the blame...it wasn't until I broke her cycle of control and some other things to realize just what DID make me tick. Now I'm a fine piece of Swiss timing.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
DBrookie, You sound a lot like my husband, which I truly appreciate as I get older. He's more turned on by touch, smell, and whispers in the ear. He likes looking and will get turned, but it's those other 3 that really get his engine going. He'd rather have me in soft silk than a revealing scratchy lace bustier. When I asked him once why he married me, one of his replies was that he loved the way I smell (the combination of my favorite perfume and my own scent). I can whisper loving and/or naughty things in his ear and he's mine to do with as I please. And, as I said, I appreciate this more with each passing year. I may fret about the changes that come about with aging, but he'll lie next to me stroking my skin while telling me how soft it feels (and soft skin is something I can easily maintain no matter how old I get).
As for visual stimulation, we're both more turned on by eye contact while ML. On the other hand, there is a certain part of my body that he seems to (and says) he really enjoys looking at, which is probably one reason why he prefers to ML in the day or with the lights on.
Michelle (who decided not to wait for her husband's birthday to get the Liberator but has already ordered it just because she loves him and knows it will make him blissfully happy)
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Quote: You sound a lot like my husband, which I truly appreciate as I get older. He's more turned on by touch, smell, and whispers in the ear. He likes looking and will get turned, but it's those other 3 that really get his engine going.
Yeah...and I'm still in my 20s...so I guess I'm wise for my age or something. I think the next time things are relaxed I'll tell her what turns me on...because I don't know if I've ever expressed it that way.
PLUS...my honest opinion is that guy who only get turned on visually...are the guys who end up chasing women later in life...rather than their beautiful wives. Not sure that's the kind of guy she really wants....in fact I know she doesn't.
Quote: Michelle (who decided not to wait for her husband's birthday to get the Liberator but has already ordered it just because she loves him and knows it will make him blissfully happy)
GREAT!!! I'm sure you'll both love it. Mine is still in the box. But maybe she'll give me a chance to show her how my mind and body REALLY works!!!
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
"OK...I'm willing to bet that you had poor self-image and poor self-esteem issues BEFORE you met H, right? So there's some baggage her that is at work. But there's still somethings that you can do to help him out..." Well somewhat. My self esteem issues are very mild and compared to most women, nonexistent. They DO exist, as I'm willing to bet they do for all women, but not to the extent that you would guess. I have always gotten a lot of male attention based on my looks. I am an attractive person and physically fit. I am also tall with big boobs. So I have never doubted my attractiveness to MEN. Heck, two months ago a stranger in a bar offered me two thousand dollars to crawl across a bed in a thong. LOLOL! (there's that damn thong again..) I do, however, doubt my attractiveness to my husband and my seeming inability to get his engine revved has made me self conscious in front of HIM.
"I know that this is exactly how my WAW felt/feels. You took it personal...when the big obstacle is him...not you. He's the one missing out, right?" Not really. We are BOTH missing out. Only he is missing out with his self esteem intact and I am not.
"give him what he wants then tell him what you want...then sit back and watch what happens." Well I do give him what he wants, and I honestly believe this is 99% of the problem. There is no motivation for him to give me what I want--he is happy as can be and it doesn't occur to him! The only catalyst for him to remember to meet my needs is my anger.
"your H is not your clone. Not all people or all men or all women get turned on by the same things. They make all kinds because there are all kinds. Find out what DOES turn him on...and give that to him. Then tell him what turns YOU on...and if he's a smart guy....he'll give it back to you."
Oh, I am well aware that he is not my clone. My point was that, if he wants us to have a mutually satisfying relationship, then he will give me what I want occasionally. He is currently NOT acting like a smart man. He takes what he finds sexy and then protests at what I want, saying that he is not "that type" of guy. Or he says he will do it and then doesn't follow through. Or he does it and then doesn't want sex. Or.....is any of this sounding familiar to you?? (gosh I hope not)
I really appreciate you writing out all the things that would turn you on. I will try this. Who knows, maybe he is turned on by words and not action! I wrote in another thread that his body seems to control so much of his horniness that my BIGGEST fear is that, unless his body is already horny, these phrases (or anything else I do) will have no effect. Which leaves me completely at his mercy for the timing, which I hate! I want to have some say on what day and at what time we have sex. Right now, I take whatever is offered whether I am horny or not (which I usually am! ) but it would be nice to have an opportunity to turn him on and have my way w/ him.
Thanks for the tips and you can bet that I'll be giving you some feedback on them!
LOL