Need help to communicate with LD/ND spouse

[DBrookie]

DB,
Oh man thank you for your honesty. This is the kind of stuff I crave from H but I have a hard time getting and an even harder time accepting without anger and/or tears.

NO...thank you! You, HeavyHeart and Corrie have helped me to understand my WAW more than months of counseling and books. So I'll try and return the favor...

I am not going to sugar coat this: Hearing that a naked woman doesn't do much for you (or him, by proxy) is a huge bummer for me.

OK...It DOES do something for me but it's not the spark. It IS the spark now that I hardly get to see my WAW and rarely get to see her scantily clad. Hey...I got spoiled by a very hot woman being naked around me all the time.

He is missing out on the REAL ME by ignoring and/or being desensitized to it.

OK...I'm willing to bet that you had poor self-image and poor self-esteem issues BEFORE you met H, right? So there's some baggage her that is at work. But there's still somethings that you can do to help him out...

My best advice is to do in a way what my WAW did...take it away. STOP being nude around him as much...be more mysterious...and I KNOW he'll notice that CHANGE. Do a 180.

EXAMPLE: One night when my WAW did sleep over...and it was very rare...she usually had sweat pants on and a shirt...and she ALWAYS used to sleep in my boxer shorts and not much else. She got hot during the middle of the night and took off her sweat pants and all that was left was thong. That morning when I woke up I literally had to get up and take a COLD SHOWER because I thought I was going to explode from just looking at her body.

I realize that it might be applying pressure to him, or whatever, but the fact remains that this is ME that I'm showing to him and if he rejects it, he is rejecting ME.

I know that this is exactly how my WAW felt/feels. You took it personal...when the big obstacle is him...not you. He's the one missing out, right?

It seems as if I have to give up all the things that I enjoy about the sex process simply because they don't do it for him.

WRONG...give him what he wants then tell him what you want...then sit back and watch what happens.

EXAMPLE: When we were still having sex...if my W wanted to get her needs met she COULD have tried this. (screen gets all wavvvyyyy) I'm cooking dinner in the kitchen and she comes home from work. She yanks down my pants, drops to her knees, and goes to town. The moment I'm done releasing my jaws-of-life grip from the countertop, she gets up and whispers into my ear that later tonight she wants me to play bad cop and naughty speeder. I got what I wanted...and you can be damn sure she'll get what she wants. (screen gets all waaavvvyyyy again.)

If he REALLY wants to be married to ME and he really loves ME as he says he does, then why on earth would he not want to?

Where's the stick? Would you REALLY move out over this issue? If not and he knows it...then he's not going to change. Sometimes you need to threaten or actually make good on the threat to get someone to change.

Today...I actually emailed my WAW to thank her for moving out on me. I was proud of her because I knew it took courage. And it's made me a better person, a better husband, and if I get the chance a better lover.

But this post struck a nerve with me because it has been a long standing gripe of mine--that H is missing out on ME because he doesn't happen to get turned on by the same things as I do.

NEWS FLASH...your H is not your clone. Not all people or all men or all women get turned on by the same things. They make all kinds because there are all kinds. Find out what DOES turn him on...and give that to him. Then tell him what turns YOU on...and if he's a smart guy....he'll give it back to you.

Can you give me an example of what your WAW could have said to you to get you going? ..... So can you help me out here? What would have been a surefire way to build that boat?

Again...different things work for different people. But here's a list of POSITIVE phrases that would work for me...

- Honey, I know I said I wanted to go shopping today, but I'd much rather lie in bed all day and do some browsing.
- I can tell you've been working out a lot at the gym. How about a little home gym workout later tonight?
- When you _______ it makes me feel so good all over.
- Surprise me one morning by getting in the shower with me to "save water" and get me clean in the hard to reach spots.
- Take HIM shopping and pick out some clothes you think he would look great in...then give him some help and words of encouragement in the dressing room.
- My friends at work were talking about the picture of you that's on my desk. They said how good looking you were and I got really turned on and wanted to come home and ML.
- Curl up to me naked in bed...tell me you're sick with love...and need some medicine.

I could go on and on and on...but I'll risk blowing a gasket at work...