Need help to communicate with LD/ND spouse

[DBrookie]

REMEBER THIS: Plus Ça Change, Plus C'est La Même Chose. (The more things change, the more they stay the same)

This is what is affecting my H too, I think.

Sure...if you read any statistics on sexual problems you will find this:

A low sex drive can be a product of a man’s poor emotional health. This can be caused by a number of things including:

Stress: Stress attacks both our desire for sex and the ability to become aroused and climax. Either sudden high levels of stress or lower but prolonged levels of stress can interfere with sex.

Exhaustion/too busy: Being tired either physically or emotionally takes a toll on us. As with stress this can be a sudden surge, or a long term chronic condition. People who don't have enough time are forced to cut things out, and sex may be cut just because it was never really a high priority.

Depression: Even mild depression can destroy sex drive and/or sexual function. Individuals with mild depression may be able to function with apparent normalcy in some aspects of sexuality, but be totally non-functional in other aspects.

Relational: Good sex requires a good relationship. Unsettled issues, feeling unloved, feeling unimportant, and lack of respect can all cause a person to not want to be sexual.

Intimacy: If non-sexual intimacy is lacking, sexual intimacy may feel awkward or even wrong. There can be a lag of many years between the loss of non-sexual intimacy and the refusal of sex.

Anger/Resentment: Often a person is knowingly or unknowingly refusing sex as a way of retaliating for real or imagined wrongs. This is passive/resistive behavior. Another version of this is the spouse who says yes to sex, but rarely or never allows themselves to enjoy it.

Control: A spouse may use sex as a carrot to encourage wanted actions, or sexual refusal as a stick to punish unwanted actions. If the person who is supposed to be controlled "refuses to play," sex may stop all together.

Habit: If not having sex, or having very little sex, goes on for a long time, it can become a bad habit. Being sexual no longer feels natural, and other things usurp the time and energy that should go into sex.

Tell me Dbrookie, what do you think the HDW can change about themselves without resorting to moving out.

Do a 180. Whatever you have been doing ain't working. So stop it. Think about what you do now...and do the opposite. BUT you might actually have to move out to get the point across. My W had to move out to get me to wake up and to break some of her control over me. Of course...how she is the one that doesn't want to have sex with me. But anyway...

Dbrookie, what do you think your W could have done to get your engine going?

Well, she didn't really know how to communicate with me without being condescending and nagging. Instead of saying..."Come ML to me you sexy thing you!!!"...she would say "Why don't you ever want to have sex with me?" A lot of her things were non-verbal communication...like walking around naked and other things. I'm a verbal person...that's what I needed. You need to figure out what jump starts your LD H.

So what would you suggest a HDW do to in such a sitch to bring the "crushed" sex drive back?

First off...you are NOT his last priority. I got this crap all the time from my W. He wouldn't be busting his ass and all stressed out because he liked it...he's doing it for you and his family. Now he might be over doing it and needs to manage stress better...but he's probably afraid of failing to provide for his family. So you are his top priority..and he probably doesn't want you to have to worry about all the things he worries about.

I have given support, lots of patience and help and yet I am still waiting......for H to come around.

You just have to do a 180...and don't give up. I think my WAW actually did give up...and that's when I did change. But if we do get a D then it's her loss...cause she could have had everything she wanted.

Well, in my case, H says theres no problem, even after not touching me for 2 years, so what do you say to that?

Well...you've read the book and you're hear asking for help so I really don't think you've given up. I just think you're frustrated and need some support to keep going. That's what we're here for.

The problem is probably his stress, his inability to say what he wants, and probably some other general communication problems.

You should try and start with trying to get him to tell you what he wants at work, at home, and in the bedroom. Start with a less antogonistic category like work...and move to more touchy points. When he starts to get angry or defensive....STOP....then pick up on that point again when he's cooled down. Patience...patience...patience....