My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I can't sleep at all. I can't stop thinking about the idea of sitting alone in this house while my children are taken off to Christmas Eve with what is now my I suppose my ex-family. I'm so depressed. To top it off I have such a busy day tomorrow or should I say, today. I know I'll somehow pull myself together, but I'm just so tired of all of this.

At this moment I do not believe my husband and I will ever reconcile. Not just because he doesn't want me, but because honestly right now I don't want him. There's no way I could ever forgive him for making me feel this way, for making me so sad during a time in my life and my kids' lives when I just want to enjoy them and watch them grow. I guess he's not stopping me from doing that. Part of me believes that the only thing I can do is to hold my head up high, take a deep breath and act as if none of this bothers me. I will send my children to the Christmas Eve celebration I always look forward to, and enjoy a nice quiet evening at home or with the many friends I have who I know will open their hearts and homes to me and probably absolutely insist I not be alone that night. I have so many good friends from throughout my life, many who I've known since grade school and several from high school and college and even a couple I've picked up along the way in motherhood. They all love me no matter what—one of my close friends said there's nothing I can do to make her stop loving me—so why can't my husband, the person I share children with, the one who was there at my kids' births, share that same sentiment? It is so confusing to me!

Final thought: I have acted terribly many times in my marriage, and not to use this as an excuse, but especially after the children were born in those early postpartum months. I take full responsibility. But my husband hasn't been perfect either. The night we were having my son, the pain was unbearable and the only thing that soothed me was a warm, wet towel on my back. My husband kept going into the bathroom and running hot water over a towel and placing on my back for comfort. I was thinking how sweet he was, and also trying not to be too pushy, so I would endure the pain for a while and then "Ooooh. Honey, could you please get the towel again?" After about the fourth or fifth time, he said "I don't want to do this anymore. You'll get used to it and want me to keep doing it." He wasn't kidding. t felt so alone at that moment. It's just something small, but I keep remembering all the times he made me feel that way and while I feel like I'm probably better off without him, I don't want my family broken like this. At the same time though, I'm not sure what he could do to reconcile things, should that ever be something he wants.