New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, guys. I'm working on GAL. Some days are better/worse than others. I was really in a bad way today until I called a friend and got out of my head.

My WAW and I don't have kids in common. We were close to each other's children, but she broke off all contact with me, my kids and contact between her kids and me. The house is in my name - she left and stopped paying her portion of all bills, so I had to call the bank and begin the short-sale process. She left two months ago and within a week had hired a moving company to come and take all her stuff - said she doesn't want anything else that she didn't take. She cancelled all services that we were both on (car insurance, cell plan, etc) and I have initiated my own accounts. So I don't think we have any business in common right now.

To be clear, were the kids close before and or during the marriage? Do you believe any of them miss the others? Was there a big blow up they all know about? (I mean this is pretty drastic without a big fight...)


What would SHE SAY were the issues? You mentioned your temper/anger. So, what was that like FOR HER?

May I assume you displayed the temper in front of her children? So they were, perhaps in her eyes, traumatized by your temper?

What was it like for YOU? Did you fear you were losing it?

Was your anger also a problem or issue in your first marriage? If so, can you see why your wife would fear that you are destined to always be a guy who "loses it"? IF so, she might think it's hopeless b/c "hey, he won't/can't change".

Also, what is it that you are NOW doing to address these issues? I mean in terms of actions, not words.

RE your 12 step program, did you relapse or just stop going to meetings? How are you doing with that now?

I don't know much about your situation. I can say a few things about why anger in a man can be so disturbing to a woman, however.

Obvoiusly you are physically bigger, and thus your posture and vocal tone will alarm us a lot faster than it would alarm you. But it does alarm and intimidate us and let's face it, most women want their man to be a protector, NOT someone we fear.

When a man frightens us and he's supposed to be our protector, it "betrays" a deep need within us.

I read a series of articles about "mate selection". I've come up with some thoughts for you to consider as they may assist in your situation.

One study asked what traits men/women MOST VALUED in their mates...

Men valued most "attraction" to their wives , AND “peace at home.”

Some anthropologists theorized that “trophy value” and sexual attraction, mostly meant finding a "superior" mate for purposes of bearing superior or healthier children, and the #2nd thing was "peace at home" which I -interpreted to mean, no nagging.

Women most valued in their h's, Fidelity, which is self explanatory I think. AND the thing they MOST valued was Security...

Security --- = Financial, Physical & Emotional. Meaning, women want to feel protected, and a man who is a good provider is also very attractive. That's especially so when there are children.

We need to know that there will be a roof over our baby's head and food on the table, AND that our h's are not gambling away the money, or spending it on OWs. We need to know that our men take care of their bodies in part to keep US safe, we need to know that our man will stop a bad guy (saber tooth tiger) from hurting us, and that helps us feel secure.

Now, on the security level, you have to wonder how safe your wife felt with you.

I assume you would go investigate the "weird scary noises" downstairs at night, but there are other ways for a woman to feel unprotected.

Like not standing up for her with her/your family, or neighbors or colleagues, that is a huge one, or being bad with money, (not that you are, it's just a comment) and or like being unhealthy with too much weight...

men who earn enough to put bread on the table AND a roof over our heads are considered "good providers" and there are women who will stay married, for that reason alone. Same goes for men who are "good fathers" b/c no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her child(ten) with their dad or stepdad. Being a good father figure to step children is a HUGE bonus! (Being a lousy one, sadly, is also HUGE...).

Taking care of your body means you value yourself (& her & the kids) enough so she won't be a widow early....

My "caveman" theory is that at some level we feel, deep down and maybe at a biological level, that if the saber toothed tiger comes, the woman protects the child and backs up her h, but HE fights the tiger if he is there. Helps her feel safe and provided for.

I think women DO want to be provided for and protected - and men Do want to be admired and seen as having a "hot" mate who is attractive and attracted to him....and that is part of why losing your temper is a BIG deal. It's one of the few things that some women feel a "one time slip up" can actually end a marriage.

A lot of my advice depends on what you mean when you say you have "anger issues."

It's pretty vague. If you are getting help for that, then perhaps someone who knows you both, can see that and relay it IF she won't contact you at all.

If you were violent, she may feel there's nothing to be said. Especially if she had that in her prior marriage or childhood.

I hope you'll keep on working this program b/c it CAN REALLY WORK.